Monday, June 20, 2005

sadness

I have been fortunate enough not to face depression yet personally.

I have, however, faced depression through family and friends, and I have felt how utterly terrible it is. How much pain depression can cause.

Because of this, I am extraordinarily careful with the word 'depressed'. I never say that I am depressed, I never refer to others as depressed, I never throw the word around. I know that it is far more serious and debilitating than many realize.

These days, though, I have to admit that I am down. I am sad. And I keep telling myself that I am fine fine fine, and in many ways I am. But in many ways I am not. I am having a hard time concentrating on work and having trouble sleeping. And I just feel down in the dumps. I'm not sure how else to describe it.

I believe that some large part is Josh's absence, and while I hate to admit that my husband's leaving would have such a big impact on my life, I think it does. I know that I am independent. I know I can survive without him, and I do. But now that I have chosen to live this life with him by my side, it is hard for him to be away for so long.

I feel ridiculous to even put this down in writing, but maybe it will help a little to acknowledge that all is not okay.

The good news is, 12 days to go. The bad news is, 12 days to go. Ahh well, incorporations, indemnification agreements, and partnership details will keep me busy, right?

4 comments:

Honey Bunny said...

i know what you mean. i was severely depressed in 2000. so bad that i tried to off myself. looking back now, i can't understand what made me that depressed. and that's a good thing.

but lately, too, i've been quite sad. i can't say "depressed", because i'm nowhere near the 'down' that i was 5 years ago. things just seem blah and i have a hard time getting up in the morning because i know my day is just going to be blah. and that stinks.

so i know what you mean, although i don't know what it's like to be away from the one i love for that long. the good thing (stay positive) is that there are only 12 days to go. it'll be here before you know it. is there anything i can do to help? can you start a project? bake? sew? read something new? i know that if i get sad, i tend to cook a lot.

anyway, try to stay positive. it won't take the blah's away totally, but it will help a bit. at least it does for me. oh, that and chocolate :)

Phantom Scribbler said...

I used to go into a tailspin if Mr. Blue went away for a day or two. If he had gone away for a month, I probably would have had to be institutionalized or something!

Be nice to yourself, if your work schedule allows it. I definitely second the chocolate option.

If you feel really down, give a digital shout. We're just down the road a piece....

Ninotchka said...

I'm so sorry you're down. I always say I'm in a "funk" but I do use the word depressed too because I've been there and boy do I know the difference.

I hope these next 12 days pass quickly. I HATE it when Guy is out of town. I feel kind of lost. Not that we're hanging all over each other when he's here. Hello, with two kids and a dog: FAR FROM IT. But when he's not there, his absence is palpable.

That you feel that way is a testament to what a nice, comfortable life you two lead together.

I know this sounds hokey but maybe you can think of a little project to work on these next (less than) 2 weeks to keep you occupied until his return. Something to help the time go faster. :)

Yankee T said...

You're right, there is a big difference between depressed and "down" or "blue". That doesn't diminish the importance of taking care of yourself or needing support. Blah does stink. Your spouse being away is a good reason for blah. It's a long time. Be kind to yourself. Write about it more. People will respond. We may be "virtual" but we're here.