you can do this, girl

I'm rather weepy these days over the impending birth of this child, and KLee's above comment to my last post was enough to send me into full-on tears and sniffles, as were so many of your comments. I always anticipated that after I got pregnant I'd have a moment of the "what have I done?" feeling, but I never did. Since I found out I was pregnant, I've only worried about something happening to the baby, but I haven't doubted how much I wanted this baby. Even now, I have moments of tremendous anxiety over what kind of mother I'll be, but I don't doubt for one second how very badly I want this baby and how incredibly grateful I am to have made it this far with a healthy pregnancy.

I worry mostly about how I will take care of this child, whether I'll do a good job, and when I'll feel ready, if ever. All of your comments and support have definitely made me feel better. I guess I have to let go of the wanting to feel ready part of myself. I'll do what I can, but as Josh keeps telling me, in the end it doesn't matter if the kitchen remodel is completed, or if the baskets in the living room are arranged perfectly. The baby won't know whether the closets have been organized and cleaned, and whether the bins in the attic are in their proper place. Maybe this is the nesting instinct everyone keeps talking about?

Yesterday I hit 36 weeks, and had another appointment with the doctor. I mentioned to her that over the Thanksgiving break I'd been having moments of increasing pelvic pressure. I kept waking up with the same side of my pelvic bone aching and feeling numb. She was surprised to find that the baby's head is low and engaged already, so that explains all the pressure I've been feeling! No dilation whatsoever, though. But the doctor projected that we were looking at a baby that might show up before my due date, although still far into December. Maybe the psychic will be right? We could end up with a December 19th baby, I suppose. Oh, and a projection of a little over 6 pounds as of yesterday.

In the meantime, Josh is finishing up his last week of finals and I'm using my free time to rest and clean, rest and clean. I take turns doing a little bit of each. Once Josh is done with finals, though, I am planning lots of dinner dates and movie nights and outings for the two of us. My mom arrives on December 20th, and hopefully the baby will arrive soon after, and I'm positive that for a long while after that we won't have much romantic or cuddly time together. I'm hopeful, but realistic.

I'm also getting our car seat installed this weekend, and packing my hospital bag. JUST IN CASE. I'm still in denial that this baby is coming anytime soon, but I might as well prepare while I can still move around comfortably. Josh keeps telling me that if the baby pushes my belly button out any more, we might be looking at a fully cooked turkey.