Monday, November 06, 2006

confession

You all are the sweetest ever, seriously. I am totally keeping you around, because you make a big swollen pregnant girl feel so much better. Next time I look in the mirror at my twice as large thighs and cellulite-covered booty, I am going to think of all your comments. On that note, did you see that I was wearing nylons? Since I'd taken the time and effort to shave my legs for the shower, I went ahead and wore a skirt and nylons today too, and I suspect that will be the last time. 7 and a half months pregnant and trying to wrestle on a pair of pantyhose was not a pretty thing. I don't think I'll attempt it any bigger than I already am.

You all know that I try to keep up the positive attitude, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn't been all that hard. I feel like I am having a fairly easy and peaceful pregnancy. I feel good, I sleep great (like a log) and I have very few aches and pains. Recently, the sciatica has started to flare up again at times and I do have acid reflux more often, but I feel fantastic the vast majority of the time. I could totally do this again with pleasure, if I am so lucky.

Today was a bad day, though. I suspect that the combination of the baby shower being behind me, and having to drive my mom to the airport and know that she won't be back until December 20th, was just too much. I felt so terribly sad and out of it all day at work. I finally shut my door at lunchtime and allowed myself to cry some pitiful (and totally unwarranted) tears for myself. There is still so much to do before this baby arrives, and I desperately wish that my mom lived close by. Even a few hours away would be enough. I want to be able to go buy the diapers and socks and onesies and blankets with her, not by myself.

Then I read this post, and this post, and I felt like a totally selfish and self-centered butthead, but I think you just have to succumb to the self-pity every so often. Embrace it and then let it go, no?

I'm also wondering if this is all another situation that we can blame on the hormones, only because normally, even if I'm grumpy or sad, I can shake myself from my mood for a while. Today I couldn't, though. I kept feeling sad and down in the dumps no matter what I did. I think I also hoped that after the shower was over and I'd received Boppies and Diaper Genies and sheets and all that, I'd feel more prepared for this baby. But I don't. I feel about the same, excited, ecstatic and ill-prepared.

Feel free to tell me that all I need is boobs and diapers and I'll be good to go.

Anyway, I thought it only fair to confess this to you, so you don't think I'm some kind of lunatic that walks around all sunshine and roses. Today was not my best day, as evidenced by the blubbering in my office. I miss my mom. I feel scared at moments of what is actually going to happen come December. And I guess that's okay.

11 comments:

donna said...

You are so normal, don't even worry about it. Pregnancy can be hard, no matter how excited and upbeat you are and how good you are feeling and how much sleep you are getting. You have so much going on, it's natural to have those little dips in your happiness and freak out moments. How could you NOT? Just acknowlege how you are feeling, accept that it's ok to feel that way, and then go eat some ice cream, for goodness sake!

ccw said...

Your feelings are natural and not at all selfish. Don't feel guilty at having an enjoyable pregnancy; relish this time.

You are about to go through an amazing experience that no one can truly prepare for and it is normal to be scared. You have everything your baby needs: just you (and a diaper couldn't hurt).

Ninotchka said...

Of course, it's OK! And yes, I'm certain it's 99.9% hormones. OK maybe 99%...let's leave that 1% for mommyitis because God knows, I get it living so far away from mine. December 20th will be here before you know it! Hang in there, sweetie.

Suzanne said...

Oh, yes, completely normal. And not selfish at all. So much ahead of you is an unknown, it's only natural that you'd feel scared.

chris said...

Don't feel guilty. Those hormones do a number on you.

I am not sure anyone ever feels entirely prepared before they give birth. It IS a scary and vulnerable time and it is perfectly okay to acknowledge that.

In the end, when you have that beautiful baby in your arms, it will all work out. (((HUGS)))

chatty cricket said...

So I know you know this, but I'll also put it in writing. I got SUPER sad when I realized that I was sitting in my childhood room (at my parents' house) for the very last time before becoming a mother myself. I was completely freaked out. I think I had to mourn the loss of one role in my life (daughter) in order to welcome a new role (Mommy).

I also BAWLED when my Mom left after spending a week with us when we first brought Lady home. Shocking, because I fulled expected her to drive me crazy, but she was so great during the entre first week we had Lady with us that the minute she left I was sure everything was going to fall to pieces.

It didn't, thank goodness.

Hormones might have something to do with it. And yes, you need boobs, some bottles incase you don't want to have to use the boobs from time to time, some diapers and WIPES. And we'll go get the wipes and diapers! You have the bottles, and the boobs are all you, Girly.

Summer said...

Hormones? Yes.

Being scared? Shows you're smart enough to have some idea of what you're getting into.

Feeling unprepared even as you struggle to find space for 2 metric tons of baby gear? Normal, also shows you're smart, see above. This would be a good time to start reading books about parenting, if you haven't already. I highly recommend Dr. Harvey Karp's "Happiest Baby on the Block." Read some books about baby sleep, too, because you will need to have an arsenal of options. Read Dr. Ferber's book on sleep, too, even if you are dead set against the cry it out thing; he's got some good insights into mistakes parents make that make it harder for babies/kids to learn to sleep.

If at all possible, start building a local support network for yourself. If you see other pregnant women or women with babies strolling around your neighborhood, stop and talk with them. Having mama-friends is the BEST THING EVER, and they will not think you are nuts for approaching them, as the belly is your calling card. Attend a LLL meeting and get the contact information for the leaders and local lactation consultants, so you have people you can call if you need breastfeeding support. See if any of the local hospitals sponsor new moms groups where you can meet other women with babies the same age as yours.

And remember you CAN have a glass of wine if needed.

Angry Pregnant Lawyer said...

My 2 cents and assvice: You never will feel prepared before the birth (if you think you're totally prepared, you're kidding yourself). Then you just stop one day, weeks after the baby was born, and realize that you're in the middle of it, that you're doing it, that you're parenting.

The nice thing about lack of sleep is that it prevents you from overthinking a lot. Much of what you do will be on autopilot, instinct, muscle memory. You can lean on Josh, and he can lean on you. You'll figure it out as you're going through it, together.

I have nothing but confidence in the both of you. (And in the two furry babysitters, who may well astound you with how they welcome the little monkey into the family with such love and kisses.)

Yankee, Transferred said...

I can't address pregnant hormones, but I can address awaiting-a-newborn, and it's a challenge. You have maintained your sunny disposition throughout and you get a turn to be down for a minute or two. You'll do great!

OneTiredEma said...

Yes, boobs and diapers are far and away the most important things. A car seat. Something warm for baby to wear when you MUST.GET.OUT. You have already got the hang of a sling--I cannot explain how great that will be for you.

For me, it was so overwhelming because it was all unknowns. When I was pregnant again I wasn't worried about the baby stuff (it was old hat), but rather about the interaction of baby and toddler (again, unknowns). You will totally figure it out.

:-)

susan said...

This post sounds perfectly normal to me (not that I know anything about hormones). A positive attitude doesn't mean that you'll be 100% positive all the time--it's your overall positive attitude that will get you through the lunchtime blubbers and the bedtime crises and the tantrums and times you and Josh can't agree on something. And it's your overall positive attitude that will just feed off the joy coming from the pumpkin's first smile, little fingers and toes, words, habits, and general wonderfulness. You're ready, whether you feel it or not, and as APL said, you'll be doing it before you know it.