confession

You all are the sweetest ever, seriously. I am totally keeping you around, because you make a big swollen pregnant girl feel so much better. Next time I look in the mirror at my twice as large thighs and cellulite-covered booty, I am going to think of all your comments. On that note, did you see that I was wearing nylons? Since I'd taken the time and effort to shave my legs for the shower, I went ahead and wore a skirt and nylons today too, and I suspect that will be the last time. 7 and a half months pregnant and trying to wrestle on a pair of pantyhose was not a pretty thing. I don't think I'll attempt it any bigger than I already am.

You all know that I try to keep up the positive attitude, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn't been all that hard. I feel like I am having a fairly easy and peaceful pregnancy. I feel good, I sleep great (like a log) and I have very few aches and pains. Recently, the sciatica has started to flare up again at times and I do have acid reflux more often, but I feel fantastic the vast majority of the time. I could totally do this again with pleasure, if I am so lucky.

Today was a bad day, though. I suspect that the combination of the baby shower being behind me, and having to drive my mom to the airport and know that she won't be back until December 20th, was just too much. I felt so terribly sad and out of it all day at work. I finally shut my door at lunchtime and allowed myself to cry some pitiful (and totally unwarranted) tears for myself. There is still so much to do before this baby arrives, and I desperately wish that my mom lived close by. Even a few hours away would be enough. I want to be able to go buy the diapers and socks and onesies and blankets with her, not by myself.

Then I read this post, and this post, and I felt like a totally selfish and self-centered butthead, but I think you just have to succumb to the self-pity every so often. Embrace it and then let it go, no?

I'm also wondering if this is all another situation that we can blame on the hormones, only because normally, even if I'm grumpy or sad, I can shake myself from my mood for a while. Today I couldn't, though. I kept feeling sad and down in the dumps no matter what I did. I think I also hoped that after the shower was over and I'd received Boppies and Diaper Genies and sheets and all that, I'd feel more prepared for this baby. But I don't. I feel about the same, excited, ecstatic and ill-prepared.

Feel free to tell me that all I need is boobs and diapers and I'll be good to go.

Anyway, I thought it only fair to confess this to you, so you don't think I'm some kind of lunatic that walks around all sunshine and roses. Today was not my best day, as evidenced by the blubbering in my office. I miss my mom. I feel scared at moments of what is actually going to happen come December. And I guess that's okay.