does this mean we're going to get the seven year itch?

Seven years ago today, Josh and I started "officially" dating. In a rather awkward conversation that still makes me smile, Josh asked whether I'd like to be his girlfriend. And I said yes, and the rest is history. Well, except for the three times we pseudo-broke up, but I'm apparently not allowed to write about those. My husband says that it is a time he'd rather forget, because he "behaved badly, and is sorry for it." Isn't he the cutest?

He really didn't behave all that badly, he was just young and kept bringing up conversations to let me know that he wasn't sure whether he wanted a serious girlfriend. Understandable, no? I eventually put my foot down after three talks on the subject and told him that I was done with the ups and downs. It took him two weeks of life without me before he decided that he too was done with the ups and downs. That was over six years ago. I'd say he's forgiven ; )

After we'd been dating for a while, I had a conversation with my dad where he told me that he thought my personality was changing. As a child, he said I'd always been waiting for something, looking forward to something. He said it worried him because I wasn't living in the moment or enjoying the present as much as he thought I should. Around the time I met Josh, I just stopped doing that. Who knows whether it was a change that would have come about on its own or not? But with him, I could enjoy exactly what we were doing, without looking much to the future or the past.

I didn't worry about getting engaged, it just happened. I didn't stress about a wedding date much (although I did stress about the wedding itself), we just picked the date. We made the decision to move to New Haven fairly easily, the decision to move to New York on a whim, the decision to move to Boston without much fanfare. We both enjoyed the stage we were in- dating in college, dating long distance, engaged, married, and eventually married with dogs.

Occasionally people asked about children, but it wasn't in our plan yet. I'd shoo them away with the assurance that I wouldn't have children until we'd been married five years at least, and frankly, I didn't think about it much. We'd talk jokingly about names or how many kids we'd have, but we were both content that it wasn't the right time.

For the last year, I've loved the changes that have taken place. First, Josh stopped traveling, then he started school, I started a new job, we enjoyed home ownership. It has been a fantastic year, with travel and wonderful friendships and good health. I've mentioned before, there isn't much more I could want.

Recently, however, that has changed. Maybe it is seeing a few of our friends with their new babies. Perhaps it is the new stability that living in the same city brings. It could be the flexibility my job offers and the happiness I feel at having found a good place to work. All of a sudden, there is a tug in my belly, a feeling I can't describe. If I had to guess, it is that I'm waiting for something.

I'm almost afraid to talk about it because of this irrational fear that I already have so many blessings in my life, what if you can't have it all? Silly, I know, but that is what keeps me up at night and makes my heart race if I think about it too much. Well that, and how much a baby would change our lives.

In some strange moments of irony, for the first time ever we've had several people ask us in the last month or so whether and when we're having kids. Besides making me supremely uncomfortable because I can hardly talk about it, I can't believe that people find this an acceptable topic of conversation. Am I crazy? Do people always ask you? I've wanted to respond with "what's your monthly income?"

I cringe to post this, because I know what happens when you make plans. I'm afraid to even hope. That feeling, the tug, is there, though. I've been noticing it when Josh and I whisper in the dark. When I hear a friend talk about her desire to be pregnant. When my friend sends me pictures of her beautiful baby. When we wished each other a happy seventh dating-iversary. It seemed fitting to post them today.