meltdown

I have no excuse, really.

I didn't have a good Friday due to not feeling well at work coupled with intense stress over an SEC filing. I did get the SEC filing done, and I can't honestly complain because I have a terrific job, but it still left me feeling exhausted. Then gmail shut itself down for a few hours and ruined a potential blogger meet-up and made me feel guilty for not responding to an email, even though I got it hours later. I did end up getting Harry Potter at our local Barnes and Noble and had fun watching kids act incredibly excited about reading. These gripes weren't enough.

Saturday- friends picked us up to go to Ogunquit, Maine for the day. We spent the morning and afternoon at the beach, ate hamburgers and hot dogs at a beach shack, and then walked along Marginal Way and shopped at adorable coastal shops. I found a great sign for our living room that says "Now is the time to be happy." If that isn't a terrific reminder to hang on your wall, I'm not sure what is. Josh and I shared a 2 pound baked stuffed lobster and mussels. Yum. And we didn't even have to drive home, since our friends chauffered us around!

Sunday- we attended a baby shower that lasted far longer than I expected, but it was very sweet and fun and my friend's daughter is a cutie. We drove to the North Shore and back with another couple we love, so the drive was enjoyable even though it was long. We left at 10:45 am and didn't get home until 5:30 pm, though, and because I'd been away all weekend I had tons to do and no time to do it.

We went grocery shopping before we got home, unpacked all the groceries, took the dogs for a walk and a game of fetch at a nearby park, ate dinner and it was 9 pm. Josh spent another 2 and a half hours online purchasing a computer for school in the fall, and around that time I just lost it.

I came upstairs and lay down on the bed and started thinking about everything that needs to be done and how it all seems to fall on my shoulders. The hubs isn't working right now and he doesn't seem to be helping as much as I hoped he would. The house is a disaster and I don't have the time or energy to clean when I get home every night at 11 pm. There are countless projects around the house that need touch-ups like the paint in the office or the staircase and there are big projects that we need to start, like the basement remodeling. My garden is halfway completed with plants just sitting in pots needing to be planted because I haven't had the time. I never knew you could have this many bills to pay and organize, and now we have a computer bill and we are looking for a new car that we desperately need because we have been sharing one very old car. The suitcases from Costa Rica are still sitting in the hallway packed up and we have loads of laundry that need to be done. My mom was an immense help while she was here because she fed the dogs and fish daily and kept the house clean and entertained me and drove me to and from work, but I lost my sense of where everything is because she put things away in different places. And all of this doesn't even take into account the things that need to be done weekly, like dropping off dry cleaning or food shopping or getting the mail.

I am so overwhelmed.

And last night, once I started crying, I couldn't stop. So I sat for an hour telling Josh all of the things I worry about. I can't do this alone and I am feeling so much pressure to be the only one working while I take care of everything else too. Josh does help, but he is consumed with school bills and studying for pre-fall exams that will determine his place in his classes, and he HAS only been back for a week. I need to find a way to get this under control, but I feel so terribly overwhelmed and stressed I don't know where to start.

On top of that, it is moments like these when I wonder how we will ever have a child. I feel like I am holding on to the edge of order and one more responsibility will send us into chaos. I don't know how people do it. Do you just take the leap and decide to live with the chaos or do other people not feel this way?

Ugh. I finally calmed down, marginally, took a shower and came to bed, but I tossed and turned until 2 in the morning, thinking through the lists of to-dos. I know this happens when I pack my life too full of tasks and spend the weekend away from our house, but I also hate keeping myself from enjoyable things when I only have weekends free.

Now it is Monday morning and I am exhausted, and the whole week stretches before me. My sweet husband has pledged to help organize the house and take charge of bill paying, and I am going to try making lists for him of things I need done. We are just going to have to be patient and take this in steps, but I wish I could go home and cry, or maybe take another week to get my life under control.

I have a great life, and I AM grateful, and I wouldn't want it any other way, I just get so tired sometimes.