Monday, July 18, 2005

meltdown

I have no excuse, really.

I didn't have a good Friday due to not feeling well at work coupled with intense stress over an SEC filing. I did get the SEC filing done, and I can't honestly complain because I have a terrific job, but it still left me feeling exhausted. Then gmail shut itself down for a few hours and ruined a potential blogger meet-up and made me feel guilty for not responding to an email, even though I got it hours later. I did end up getting Harry Potter at our local Barnes and Noble and had fun watching kids act incredibly excited about reading. These gripes weren't enough.

Saturday- friends picked us up to go to Ogunquit, Maine for the day. We spent the morning and afternoon at the beach, ate hamburgers and hot dogs at a beach shack, and then walked along Marginal Way and shopped at adorable coastal shops. I found a great sign for our living room that says "Now is the time to be happy." If that isn't a terrific reminder to hang on your wall, I'm not sure what is. Josh and I shared a 2 pound baked stuffed lobster and mussels. Yum. And we didn't even have to drive home, since our friends chauffered us around!

Sunday- we attended a baby shower that lasted far longer than I expected, but it was very sweet and fun and my friend's daughter is a cutie. We drove to the North Shore and back with another couple we love, so the drive was enjoyable even though it was long. We left at 10:45 am and didn't get home until 5:30 pm, though, and because I'd been away all weekend I had tons to do and no time to do it.

We went grocery shopping before we got home, unpacked all the groceries, took the dogs for a walk and a game of fetch at a nearby park, ate dinner and it was 9 pm. Josh spent another 2 and a half hours online purchasing a computer for school in the fall, and around that time I just lost it.

I came upstairs and lay down on the bed and started thinking about everything that needs to be done and how it all seems to fall on my shoulders. The hubs isn't working right now and he doesn't seem to be helping as much as I hoped he would. The house is a disaster and I don't have the time or energy to clean when I get home every night at 11 pm. There are countless projects around the house that need touch-ups like the paint in the office or the staircase and there are big projects that we need to start, like the basement remodeling. My garden is halfway completed with plants just sitting in pots needing to be planted because I haven't had the time. I never knew you could have this many bills to pay and organize, and now we have a computer bill and we are looking for a new car that we desperately need because we have been sharing one very old car. The suitcases from Costa Rica are still sitting in the hallway packed up and we have loads of laundry that need to be done. My mom was an immense help while she was here because she fed the dogs and fish daily and kept the house clean and entertained me and drove me to and from work, but I lost my sense of where everything is because she put things away in different places. And all of this doesn't even take into account the things that need to be done weekly, like dropping off dry cleaning or food shopping or getting the mail.

I am so overwhelmed.

And last night, once I started crying, I couldn't stop. So I sat for an hour telling Josh all of the things I worry about. I can't do this alone and I am feeling so much pressure to be the only one working while I take care of everything else too. Josh does help, but he is consumed with school bills and studying for pre-fall exams that will determine his place in his classes, and he HAS only been back for a week. I need to find a way to get this under control, but I feel so terribly overwhelmed and stressed I don't know where to start.

On top of that, it is moments like these when I wonder how we will ever have a child. I feel like I am holding on to the edge of order and one more responsibility will send us into chaos. I don't know how people do it. Do you just take the leap and decide to live with the chaos or do other people not feel this way?

Ugh. I finally calmed down, marginally, took a shower and came to bed, but I tossed and turned until 2 in the morning, thinking through the lists of to-dos. I know this happens when I pack my life too full of tasks and spend the weekend away from our house, but I also hate keeping myself from enjoyable things when I only have weekends free.

Now it is Monday morning and I am exhausted, and the whole week stretches before me. My sweet husband has pledged to help organize the house and take charge of bill paying, and I am going to try making lists for him of things I need done. We are just going to have to be patient and take this in steps, but I wish I could go home and cry, or maybe take another week to get my life under control.

I have a great life, and I AM grateful, and I wouldn't want it any other way, I just get so tired sometimes.

8 comments:

Phantom Scribbler said...

Oh, Halloweenlover, I'm sorry that it's all overwhelming! If it helps at all:
#1 We can do a blogger meeting anytime, gmail or no gmail, Harry Potter or no Harry Potter (kids or no kids, dogs or no dogs, etc.) We'll meet up at a better time. Don't worry!

#2 I almost always have a meltdown when I get home after a weekend or vacation away and face all the mountains of junk that need to get done somehow. And this was your first weekend back after Costa Rica, right? So things have been building up for awhile. Meltdown city!

#3 Breathe. It's ok if you don't get it all done on the schedule you intended to do it, or ever. You need sanity time more than the paint needs touching up or the pots in the garden need planting. (And I know of which I speak, because there are two dead plants in pots on my back stoop.)

#4 I can't speak for everybody, but in my life, kids=chaos, yes. I've learned to live with it.

#5 You work like a zillion hours a week, right? I'm impressed that you have the ambition to do anything besides sleep and eat take-out food on your hours off. Give yourself a break once in awhile! What needs to get done will get done sooner or later.

Yankee T said...

Oh, my, my...take a deep breath. And yes, cry as long as you need to - it's cathartic.
I almost barfed when I saw the mail on the table when I got home-2 weeks' worth of junk and bills. It's just.too.much sometimes.

liz said...

What PS & YT said.

And...

Make a deal with yourself that your quota is only one task a day or one big task over a weekend. One load of laundry. One grocery trip.

Also, simplify. Do your food shopping on-line if it's available in your area.

Angry Pregnant Lawyer said...

I'm sorry to hear about all the stress, but at the same time I'm glad to hear you can open up to Josh about it. And remember that going to work and earning a living is important; making your house look like something out of "Better Homes & Gardens," while it might be enjoyable, can also be stressful and isn't technically a necessity. Besides, I've seen all the pictures of what you've done with your house: it looks great! Small steps, don't try to do everything at once... or by yourself.

And please remember: if the insomnia lasts, please make an appointment and talk to your doctor about it, for me.

Honey Bunny said...

oh boy, i can relate.

i'm super duper stressed out about the wedding. i am doing it all on my own. my fiance doesn't help at all. even when i say 'what do you think about...' he says "sure. do it" and that's it. it's like he doesn't care. i know that's not true, but he really can't be bothered in planning the festivities. and that gets overwhelming, too.

i'm also stressed because i loathe my job. i sit here for 9 hours a day, daydreaming about all the projects and other stuff i could be completing if only i wasn't stuck in this lousy office. i have boxes and boxes of unfinished projects i WANT to finish, but i just don't have the time. by the time i get home at 6 (or later when i go to the gym) i'm exhausted. but i still have to cook dinner and do the laundry and clean up. my fiance has yet to do our laundry on his own. i always have to ask him. that gets on my nerves. i mean, you see the pile! why do i have to ASK you do do it! you're almost 40 for chrissake!



sorry, halloweenlover. but as you can see, i understand where you're coming from.

Ninotchka said...

As a woman and Mother I reserve the right to have as many meltdowns as necessary. LOL I feel for you. And you're right to complain. He SHOULD be helping out more.

What I'm concerned about is those late nights you're working. AAACK! I remember those well.

And don't worry about the whole Mom thing. If there's anything at all I've learned it is that you never have enough time or money but somehow you manage.

And also think of all the bozo's out there who do a "good enough" job parenting. I'm talking about ME! lol lol lol

Jill said...

Hi, halloweenlover. I'm sorry that you have been feeling so stressed and overwhelmed lately. It sounds like you work very long hours, and that makes it hard to feel like you're keeping on top of things at home. I've been there; it's no fun. I hope that you're feeling better today and that your husband's help will make things easier for you.

Chatty Cricket said...

I second Ninotchka- you never think you have enough (fill in the blank here...time, money, etc) to make it work with a kid, but you find a way.
And I happen to think you will be a spectacular Mom.