Wednesday, December 30, 2009

these are real problems, as you can see

I'm in a slump these days. A downward trend, perhaps. A sad spell.

I think the selling of houses and buying of houses, and packing and unpacking, and husbands traveling, and being ill (first my mom got the stomach flu, then I got the stomach flu, then Gabe, then Josie, then Josh, then my dad, then Josie got a double ear infection, then Gabe, Josie, my mom and I all got some sort of vicious virus with runny noses and sore throats and fevers- all in a 2 week time period), and of course, absolute worst of all, the dogs leaving, have pushed me into a sad state.

I miss Tango and Murray desperately, and only the reports of their complete and utter happiness and change of attitude keep me from running to her house and demanding them back. I am devastated, but they appear to be adjusting beautifully. Their new living situation is childless and full of attention and love. They even accompany our family friend to her work with her (a back office at a homeopathic health clinic), so they are rarely alone and very rarely lacking in attention. I've had several moments of panic and tears, but I still firmly believe that although I want the dogs with me, we're doing the best thing for everyone by letting them go. Sad though it may be.

Additionally, it sounds silly to say, but this whole move has been a major adjustment for me. Even though we're only a couple of miles down the road, the atmosphere is totally different. I felt much more urban in our old neighborhood. I could walk to ice cream parlors (two) and drug stores (three) and coffee shops (four) and even a mall with my favorite stores. I could walk to sushi, to a toy store, to a few parks. It was busy and fun and I felt like we were close to everything. I knew my hood and I felt comfortable in it.

The new house is amazing. Perfect for us and ridiculously large. It makes our furniture look like doll furniture, the scale is so different. The kids have space to run and play and make messes and we don't feel cramped. But it is a total suburb. I can't walk to anything except the local parks, and anywhere I go I have to get on major roads. I feel like I'm constantly battling traffic and constantly in the car. I hate it.

Do I sound like a spoiled brat yet? Because every time I talk about this, I feel like one. We have this awesome new house and got everything we'd hoped for (within reason, I mean, because obviously the house is small in the grand scheme of things), but yet I'm still complaining. I miss being close to everything, I miss driving 2 minutes to Gabe's school, I miss walking for ice cream.

I think the other problem is that unfortunately, there is a lot of stress in this house at the moment for all the reasons I mentioned above. I can't seem to separate out the stress from the house, and so it is all jumbled together and sometimes it feels like only badness has happened in this house since we moved in, even though it totally isn't true.

Josie started really walking and running around here, Gabe learned to ride a bike in these hallways, we will eventually celebrate birthdays here (when we are healthy)- we'll make lots of memories in this house, I know.

Is this normal, though? When you moved, did you ever miss what you had before, even though your new place was so much better? There are moments where I think I might be losing it over here. I've dropped several things on my toes (besides the broken one) and I told Josh the house has it in for me. Maybe we need an exorcism? Or maybe just more chocolate?


Chatty Cricket said...

More chocolate indeed. We need to have a birthday party for all of our various boys anyway so I will bring a giant chocolate cake.

Oh but yes, I can sympathize. Remember how I used to say I would never (NEVAR!!) move to our current neighborhood because it was too suburban for my downtown taste? And our town is like 3 square miles but STILL this neighborhood was too too far away from downtown and I wouldn't consider it because I wanted to stay by the harbor and the walking to town and ACROSS THE STREET from the grocery store and the walking to all of our friends' houses? And then we moved here anyway and now I love it and wouldn't trade ANYTHING because what we gave up in "urban" proximity we totally gained in neighborhood.

We had the benefit of moving during the Summer when everyone is still outside and we could get comfortable here super fast. Wait until Spring when everyone comes out of hibernation.

Plus, not for nothing, but you had a TON going on during the sale of the old house (which you also need to give yourself a moment to mourn the leaving of)(I still get sad when I drive by our old house), and the move and the settling into this house and the holidays and birthdays and now it's "ordinary*" It's like the ordinary after a wedding when there's nothing left to be crazy about or preoccupied with and no drama, and then it's just ordinary. It's a weird switch. From one extreme to the other.

(*but instead of ordinary you got ILLNESS which is 100% shittier)

Anyway, I get it.


liz said...

You need more chocolate and a good sunny day to open all the windows and let fresh air in and the sick germy air out.

And you need a Spring day to walk to the local parks and play in your back yard.

I'm glad the dogs are happy in their new home and I'm totally understanding of your feeling of desolation about it.

Maribeth said...

I think it is all the changes at once. Plus the pups were your first babies. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have had so many changes all at once.