Wednesday, November 12, 2008

hormones anyone?

I may possibly, potentially, be the teensiest, tiniest bit hormonal.

I was driving home from my dentist appointment, where I had ANOTHER cavity, which frustrates me to no end because no one (seriously NO ONE) is more obsessive over their teeth. I brush and floss obsessively, I think that in all the years of my life, I cannot remember even once. Not even once! That I went to bed without brushing my teeth. My mom says even when I was a toddler, if I fell asleep in the car and they carried me to my bed, I'd pop my eyes open and insist that I needed to brush my teeth. I've complained repeatedly to the dentist about it, and I am so angry that despite what I do, I continue to get cavities. Grrrr.

Anyway, I'm digressing. Let's get back to my hormones.

I'm driving home from the dentist, where I was able to say to him, "I'm having this baby in about a month," because I am! Today is November 12th, and my due date is November 19th, so I have 5 weeks and I consider 5 weeks, or 36 days, to be about a month. So I'm driving, and reflecting on that craziness, and suddenly I think, "In a month, my baby won't be my baby anymore because I'll have a new baby."

And I dissolved into sobs that I could barely control for the rest of the drive home. I mean, I know, he'll always be my baby, blah blah blah, but still. I'm having a baby, and I'm terrified that this new baby will take the role of my current baby, who is still truly a baby! A crazy talking, laughing, running, jumping, playing baby, but still my baby. In another month and a half, he'll be two! No more referring to him in months! Now I'll have to say he's two and that sounds giant to me. Plus, I'll have this new demanding little person who will most definitely be an actual baby, and although I'm beyond excited to meet him or her, I'm also so sad and guilt-ridden that I'm displacing Gabe. Sigh.

My mom was assuring me while I was crying that he'll always be my baby, and even at 30, I'm still her baby, but I'm still sad and sniffly. There are so many changes these days, it's so much to take in and so much in the way of adjusting. We're painting Gabe's big boy room today, setting up his new bed this weekend, he's been peeing and pooping in the potty (of his own accord, a topic for another post), he chats up a storm and has even taken to bossing me around with his demands. Today I dropped him off at the toddler program and he wouldn't even say goodbye before running off to join the other children with the playdough. I know everyone says they grow up too fast, but damn it, it's true! Gabe is growing up too fast. I just gave birth to him, and all of a sudden he is this amazing kid that just keeps getting bigger. Any tips on how to make it stop?


OneTiredEma said...

Honey, I have SO been there. Like if you go read my archives from January to April 2006. SO. THERE.

The worst part, really, is that you feel like you are about to drop an enormous bomb on your unsuspecting toddler and they have no idea. And even when you try to explain, they still have no idea, because frankly, you have no idea what it's going to be like to have two children because you've never done it before either. (If it makes you feel better, though, you will probably feel exceptionally competent with #2 by himself/herself because YOU JUST DID THIS. Very recently.)

So yeah, hugs. It will be FINE. At some point you will know that. For me it was when I saw my son for the first time and he looked exactly like my daughter had as a newborn. Somehow that was my "sign" that it would be ok.

And from my limited experience, the "damage" doesn't last long. My 4 year old daughter, whose life I "ruined" at 22 months by adding her brother, has been agitating lately for a baby sister. (Good grief!)

Chatty said...

I agree with Ema, I have SO BEEN THERE. Twice! I even got weepy when we handed Lady's crib down to Mister and put her in her bona fide big girl bed. And she had been in her toddler bed for a year and a half already!!!

But it's true that they are still always your babies. Lady is horrified (HORRIFIED) when I call her my baby girl, and she is really quick to point out that Sweet Baby is the baby, and I tell her NO WAY Lady, YOU are my one and only Babygirl and you always will be.

And then she makes a face, but I get a hug so it's all good.

And I promise, PROMISE that when you see Gabe love that Baby you will think that it couldn't possibly be any other way and you won't feel like he's displaced at all. He is Gabe, there is only one Gabe, and he will always be that Gabe. And this baby? One of a kind too.

Siblings are the best gift. You are giving Gabe the BEST PRESENT EVER.

And truthfully, not that I want Mister to hurry up and be 2 years old already because *waaaaaaaaaa!! how is he old enough to be TWO!?* but I can never remember how many months old he is. Is it 20? 22?

skepticalinatlanta said...

okay seriously, i can't imagine that you have any cavities at all. i think you need a second opinion. if you can't see the cavity on the x-ray, it is probably not there. you remember my story of not one, not even 2, but FOUR phantom cavities that were supposed to send me to the ER with the pain of rotting teeth? never happened. that was 4 years ago. sometimes things aren't always what they seem.

KLee said...

Well, I can't comment to the "parenting of two" since I only have one, but I imagine that I'd be feeling the same way you're feeling. Offspring is getting ready to turn 13 (oh my god, I'm so OLD!) and she's still my baby, and always will be.

Though, I have heard a lot of people say that even though they love all of their children the same, there's a small bit of affection for the first one. After all, they're the ones you cut your parenting teeth on!

Like Chatty says, there is only one Gabe, and while there may be another baby in the house soon, Gabe will ALWAYS be the older one. He will be the first to do all those major milestones, so there's still a lot to look forward to. I bet he'll be an awesome big brother. :)

My Wombinations said...

This all sounds very familiar and is the way I felt leading up to Alan's birth. It will be ok, I promise. I am almost never sad about displacing Sam now, they both have their places. But I am still sad about them growing too fast. I guess that will always be difficult. Kids break your heart, don't they? I have the sudden sense that parenting a two-year-old is real parenting. Suddenly we get to say "use your words" and "be nice to your brother." I feel like a real live mama now and I often miss those early months of just coping... On the other hand, they seem to only get more fun. Or at least that is what I tell myself when I get too weepy. Hang in there. This last month will be a hormonal adventure. Call or email if you need reassurance.

one day in the life of me said...

I went through the same feelings while preggo with #2. I felt so guilty for having another baby and intruding on all the older ones love and attention. As much as a I wanted more children I felt I was being a horrible parent.

Like Chatty said siblings are the greatest gifts you give your children. They always have each other to play with, fight with and share all their childhood together. Mine fight alot 20 months apart now 3 and 20 months but there are times during the day when the older one does something so nice and sweet for the younger one it melts me heart and I realize it was all worth it all of it and that this is what it's really all about.