Monday, August 25, 2008

maybe i need more chocolate

My patience is seriously lacking these days. I hate to admit it, but I find it terribly hard to deal with a toddler while pregnant. Some days things are fabulous- Gabe is easy and sweet and compliant, and then other days, like today, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and scream.

We walked to the park that is over a mile away because it's his favorite, which was probably a HUGE mistake because I almost melted from the heat and humidity. On the way, we stopped at one of my favorite coffee shops. They have multiple little bead maze toys at the coffee shop, so I unstrapped Gabe to let him play while I ordered. Big mistake. Within 30 seconds, he was running around the cafe like a madman and ignoring the bead mazes completely. In the meantime, 3 other children who were around the same age sat around quietly with their mothers/caregivers and played nicely at the tables. I sat at the table to get him to calm down and in his haste to get away, he knocked over my full iced coffee onto me and all over the floor and then took off across the coffee shop again.

It took all my mental fortitude to keep it together as I'm chasing him around and then getting down on my hands and knees and wiping up the coffee. It didn't help that the workers at the coffee shop were totally unsympathetic and pretty unfriendly to me when I told them about the coffee spillage.

We left shortly thereafter and headed over to the playground, where we played nicely for 20 minutes before slipping off of a rocker and getting a bloody lip. Back to the house we went, kicking myself for not thinking through this heat and humidity thing. We arrived and I got distracted answering an email for a minute or so, until I heard water running in the kitchen. Gabe had dragged a chair over to the kitchen sink, turned on the water, taken the sprayer and SPRAYED THE WHOLE KITCHEN DOWN. We're talking some serious flooding. And I felt that I couldn't even get that mad, because I'm the one that wasn't supervising him in the first place! It was so much water, I had to run to the basement and grab all our beach towels to mop up the mess, and I'm still finding piles of hidden water everywhere. Inside drawers, under the sink, under the stove.

It's moments like these that make it so hard for me to hold it together. Before being pregnant, I would laugh it off in most circumstances, but these days, I either get furiously angry or break down in tears. I've never wanted to spank Gabe before, but these days I find myself wanting to give him a smack on the hand or a swat on the behind. I find myself yelling more too, and this just isn't the environment I want him to be in. I certainly think there is a time and place for me to raise my voice, but lately it is happening more and more often.

I hate myself for being this tired, this impatient, this frustrated, but it isn't something I'm doing intentionally. I'm doing my best to hold it together, and there are just days when it feels almost impossible.

Tell me this is a typical pregnancy thing. Tell me it's going to get better once this baby comes. Or at least will I learn to cope with the frustration?


In other happier news, today marks 6 years from the date Josh and I walked down the aisle together. I'd do it again in an instant. He is my best friend, my confidante, my sanity keeper, and everything else in between. On the one hand, we cannot possibly have been married for 6 years already, and on the other hand, it feels like we've always been together.

I am so unbelievably, impossibly, shockingly lucky to call him my husband. I don't know what I did to deserve him.


Maribeth said...

How would it be if Gabe went to visit your parent's or Josh's for a night or two? Give you some time to yourself.
And yes, chocolate always helps!

soleil said...

Happy Anniversary!

Wow, your day sounds crazy! I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you!

Chatty said...

As my Dad puts it, when you're "all better" you'll feel a little differently. Having a toddler is HARD and you'll be surprised at how much they try your patience, HOWEVER I have alway found it harder to keep it together during my pregnancies than otherwise. I have to keep reminding myself these days how differently I felt pre-Mister birth, versus post-Mister birth (ou know, when I start to get a little overwhelmed at the thought of HAVING THREE CHILDREN AND OH MY GOD BUT WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!), and we know how glorious and trouble free that pregnancy was.

You have a lot on your plate with the pregnancy, and last time around you didn't have an angry octopus to chase around the coffee shop. Cut yourself some slack for SURE. No one wants to raise her voice, and wouldn't it be nice if we all wore our twinsets and pearls, but really. It's parenting, and it's HARD, and it's harder during pregnancy, but then it gets better again when you're back in your rhythm. I promise.

Chatty said...

Oh and Happy Anniversary!!! It was on this day 6 years ago that we all had a RAGING good time while Celebrating all things HL and Josh. :)

Meika said...

Yuuuuuup. Things are pretty much exactly the same over here (Gussie is five weeks younger than Gabe and I'm pregnant again and due in November). I am also going seriously insane and REALLY not having fun with this mommy gig right now and really not proud of how I'm handling it much of the time. I finally talked to a neighbor this morning about watching Gussie two mornings a week and feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders - so maybe the break of preschool will be a big help!

Also, I personally think that it is very okay to get mad even if you weren't supervising closely. How much of right and wrong they understand right now is definitely a question, but Gussie's been getting a lot of time-outs lately for things she knows not to do - and it's pretty clear to me that she understands over 90% of the time. It's been a good teaching tool for us, in that if she doesn't understand the first time she gets a time-out for a behavior, by the third she is definitely catching on.

Here's hoping that tomorrow is a happy toddler day!

KathyR said...

Happy Anniversary!

Have you considered a large net?

--insert winky guy here--

Sasha said...

Hi there,

Having just gone through this myself, I am here to tell you, two kids is REALLY hard. But it pales in comparison to how difficult it is to be pregnant with such a young toddler underfoot. It seems counter-intuitive, but it is true. So hang in there, it does get easier, actually.

Happy anniversary, also. You never realize how much you need eachother until you are in these kinds of situations. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the lengths you go to to find relaxation. It sounds like childcare is the perfect thing for you right now and it will be good for Gabe, too. I am sure of it.

Also, call me or email. I am happy to commiserate and share war stories with you.

one day in the life of me said...

Happy Anniversary!!!

I think Chatty said it well.

I was preggo with #2 while in the mist of toddlerhood and found myself yelling a lot. But after the baby came things calmed down and all seemed back to normal.

Ninotchka said...

Ay mama! I'm sorry I came late to this. I think we've emailed since but I still wanted to comment and say: I WAS PSYCHOTIC (on the inside) when I was pregnant. It does get better, I promise.

Knit and Purl Mama said...

Happy Anniversary! We just celebrated 3 years!

Sean's never gotten to the sink sprayer yet, but he does over flow the water cooler so it runs all over floor.