Wednesday, May 21, 2008

maybe I'll make it after all

I woke up today and felt... human.

For the first time in many many weeks.

I'm still queasy, but queasy is nothing compared to what I've been for quite some time. I would be freaking out about it, but we just had an ultrasound yesterday and a scan with the doppler, and 002 is in there, waving his or her little arms and legs at me. The heartbeat was 190, nice and strong, and much faster than Gabe's has ever been. Who knows what that means, but the OB said it sounded like a girl's heartbeat to her. I say those are all old wives' tales. I guess we'll find out in December!

We've pretty much decided that we won't be finding out what the sex of this baby is until the birth. The real reason is that we just don't care whether this is a girl or a boy, and we loved not knowing with Gabe, so we figure we'll keep the tradition. I'm excited for either option. It would be great to have a girl, just because I'd love to have a daughter, but it would also be great to have another boy because they'll be close in age. I think Gabe would love a brother, plus, I have SO MANY cute baby boy clothes that I desperately want to use again. We'd love to have a third child, as long as this one isn't any more of a hellion than Gabriel, so I'm not that worried either way.

I've been feeling pretty guilty lately, and I hate to even write this down for 002 to read one day, but being this sick all the time has made it hard for me to be very excited about this pregnancy. There have been so many days when I can't even get up off the bathroom floor or pick myself up off the couch without wanting to cry. I've felt so sick, that when I went into this week's doctor's appointment, I was convinced something would be wrong. I kept imagining what I would do when I found out that the vomiting had been a sign of something terrible, and thinking those thoughts definitely does not make the all-the-freaking-time-sickness any easier to bear.

I felt sick with Gabe, but it wasn't this kind of all-encompassing, wanting to gouge my eyes out, sobbing against the toilet, type of sickness. I was tired of being sick, but I could still feel so much excitement for our first pregnancy. This time, I'm so frustrated and exhausted from the nausea, I have moments where I'm convinced that there isn't a baby in there, but instead a parasite that is killing me slowly.

I feel terrible writing this down, because I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am grateful. I am excited. I keep picking up my ultrasound pictures with the bean with the gigantic head and the little arms and legs and I think I finally believe that there is a baby. I can't believe there might be another baby as amazing as Gabe in my life in a few short months. Josh and I can't wait. It's just hard. Some days are harder than others, and today, waking up to a world with no gagging has allowed me to admit that it is surprisingly harder than I'd imagined.


Maribeth said...

Don't you spend one more minute feeling guilty. It's hard to be excited when you have your head in the toilet!

You are happy and even though you have felt sick has nothing to do with your thrill of being a Mom again!

Yankee, Transferred said...

I think I haven't commented on the INCREDIBLE news yet! Congratulations and a big WOOT!

Erin said...

It will pass. Then you can enjoy this pregnancy.

Cassa said...

I was so sick with my pregnancy that I hated it. I moved like a slug around the office. I felt disgusting non-stop at home. I could not open the fridge or even the freezer. I asked my man if he could go hang out with the guys for maybe a couple of months because I just wanted to lie perfectly still in a quiet dark room with no interruptions. If he moved the bed I was lying on it made me want to vomit. I actually gave him hell for blinking too loudly one day.

A woman at work told me how wonderful she felt through both of her pregnancies; how wrapped up she was in the miracle of it all... I wanted to run her hair through the paper shredder.

The heinous nausea kept up until the sixth month. Baby's nickname in utero was "The Parasite". So the pregnancy? I hated most of it, but wow do I love my little Ryer. He is such a joy.

You don't have to be excited about feeling terrible all the time. It would be weird if you did. You're taking care of the baby now and you're going to love him/her once the pregnancy is over. You'll be so happy in December - and not just because you have 002!

Lisanne said...

I am *sooooooooo* very sorry that you've been extremely sick during this second pregnancy. I can't imagine how tough that would be. :( I hope that things get better soon ... I hope that it will pass ASAP! That really fast heartbeat ~ yeah, my first thought was a GIRL! That would be exciting! Meri's heartbeat was faster than Luke's.

Angry Pregnant Lawyer said...

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I actually came here because I had to tell you: There's a scene in the new Indiana Jones movie involving gigantic ants, and all I could think about as I was watching it was the bullet ant! I nearly laughed!

Beth & Rob said...

I hope that this is a turning point for you and you feel MUCH better for MUCH longer soon. And don't feel bad - can you imagine if men had to go through this? They would actually probably die. You are doing really well!

Knit and Purl Mama said...

Awww, sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time with this pregnancy. I hope that it has gotten better for you as you get closer and closer to the end.