chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a

We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time today. It sounded like a little train going at top speed- so different from my own whoosh whoosh whoosh of a heartbeat.

Tears pricked my eyes the minute she centered in on that elusive little train with the doppler. It flitted away from the doppler a couple of times and it took her several tries to get it to stay long enough for her to listen in and count. I'd brought a tape recorder, but Josh stood there in stunned silence while I motioned for him to grab it and start recording. I think he is slightly blown away by the whole thing.

According to the doctor, now that we've seen the ultrasound and heard the heartbeat, our miscarriage rate is less than 1%. She said that as far as she is concerned, we can tell the world now. And I guess this means we're having a baby! Although I'm not sure I can wholeheartedly believe that idea, with all the added information I've acquired from the Internet. But I may start to TRY to believe it anyway.

It also looks like my vomiting hasn't stopped me from gaining weight, and I put on a good 3 pounds since my last visit. Far better than the 4 pounds I'd lost before that. Now that I've discovered that chicken all the time keeps me from getting sick, I guess I'll be able to put on weight. I can't believe that 3 pounds can make all my pants and shirts not fit me, though. Getting dressed in the morning is a serious endeavor. Finding something that fits and doesn't highlight my growing abdomen is getting ridiculous, and I'm relieved to hear that I should be able to tell my work in the next couple of weeks. There are only so many sweater sets that I can wear!

I already broke down and bought maternity pants because not being able to breathe in the afternoons from my waistband cutting into me wasn't a pleasant experience. I love my new stretchy pants and I'm wondering why we don't have more clothes with this splendid elastic waistband! I would think that on bloated days these would be great!

And now I'm back to feeling that I've been blessed far more than I deserve. I keep waiting for something to go wrong, and these past few weeks have been an exercise in willing the days away. It is so hard not to want the first trimester to be done with as soon as possible, so I can go ahead with the business of believing that a baby might result from all this. I want to stop that, though, and maybe today's good news will help.

I'll never be pregnant again with my first baby in my first trimester. This is it. Any subsequent pregnancy will be different. I won't have the same fears and anticipation and desperate longing to know what will happen. I doubt we'll ever again have the dedication to take a picture of my belly every single week. I'll never keep as detailed of a journal, although I might try.

This is my one chance to experience this one time in my life, this one "trial by fire" pregnancy as Angie put it, and I'm going to stop worrying and start enjoying instead. Stinkin' happy is the way to be. Just remind me sometimes, okay?