one month as a mother

Dear Gabriel,

You are one month old today, and I need someone to explain to me how my baby could be 4 weeks old already. If feels like you were born yesterday, and I still find myself staring at you and marveling that you lived inside of me. I watch your movements and stretches and recognize the motion as the kicks and rolls I felt in my belly. It still amazes me to imagine that you were the same little being I carried with me for 9 months. Time flies by, and I'm torn between wanting to know you more and wanting time to stand still.


















Your personality comes out more every day, and you are such a sweet calm boy. Every day with you is a pleasure. You still sleep most of the time, but as your awake and alert hours stretch, you are content to sit in our arms or in your bouncy seat and listen to us chatter on to you. I've realized that you know me now, and you calm more quickly and easily when you hear my voice than anyone else's, and that is a wonderful thing. I love being your mother.


















You sleep for longer stretches at night, usually 4 hours but sometimes more. Your nighttime feedings have shortened also, so I feel more rested when we wake up for the day. I'm still getting up during the night, but sitting up feeding you for 20-30 minutes is far easier than the hour+ we were doing before. I can't complain, though, because I still love to sit in the dark with you while you eat. You go right to sleep afterwards, and even though I'm exhausted, I still miss you after I've put you down. It is shocking to me to discover how all consuming my love for you is.













Your daddy and I change too, I've noticed. We are more confident and assured as parents. We change diapers faster, respond to your needs faster, and we decipher your protestations faster. It feels amazing to know that one yell means you are hungry, while another grunt means that you have to poop. It helps that you only complain about those two things. Your dad says that you are clearly all boy.


















A few of your sleepers don't fit you anymore, including the one you wore home from the hospital. Your dad claims that you've grown out of them, but I suspect that the dryer shrunk them, and I won't accept any other explanation. Your one month doctor's appointment is this week, and we're anxious to hear just how much you've grown. Just try not to grow too fast, my little peanut.


















For the past couple of days, I've tried to rock you to sleep and you won't close your eyes. You sit and look up at me, and wait until I put you down to sleep in your bassinet. Once I've wrapped you up and laid you down, you talk to the sides of your bassinet before drifting off to sleep. It makes me just the tiniest bit sad that you have already learned that you don't need your mommy to sleep. I know both of us will be grateful in the future, but I guess I imagined that you would change slower.


















I know I'm biased, but you are the most adorable, beautiful, wonderful, snuggly baby in the whole world. Your father and I are so blessed, and we are so grateful for the wonderful gift you are. It has only been a month, but I cannot imagine my life without you. I cannot imagine ever needing anything more than this.

You are the love of our lives. We cannot wait to explore the world with you.

Love,
Mommy

hypothetical

When your baby has a poop blowout, and you go into the bathroom at the coffee shop and find that there is no changing table, and it is beyond freezing outside so changing him in the car is out of the question, what do you do?

Do you...

(a) Let him sit in his poopy diaper for the next couple of hours until you go home?

(b) March out and change him on top of one of the tables in the coffee shop?

(c) Cry?

(d) Sit on the toilet, balancing your baby on your lap, holding him with one hand, while trying to wrestle the messy dirty diaper with the other hand, wiping him, butt-pasting him and getting a diaper on him, all while trying to make sure he doesn't slide off your lap onto his head?

Please share. Advice is welcome.
*****************

Today was our first day flying solo without Josh or my mom, and I'm happy to report that we survived. I had hoped to shower, eat, straighten up the living room and run a load of laundry, all in addition to taking care of Gabe. I managed to shower once I discovered that Gabe sits in awed silence while the bathroom fan and shower water runs. I even managed to eat one-handed over his head while he ate, but straightening up the house or doing laundry flew out the window. Gabriel decided to stay awake for most of the day, so we read a book together and changed lots of diapers and he ate a lot, but didn't get anything else done.

I still consider it a success, and I guess we'll get better at everything else with time.

milestones

Having a boy means different milestones abound... Like the first time he peed on his father (December 31, 2006), or the first time he peed on his own face (January 3, 2007), or the first time he peed on his mother (not counting in utero- January 5, 2007). At this point, we've lost track.

Then there are the typical milestones, the first day the three of us went out (January 5, 2007) the day he lost his umbilical cord (January 17, 2007- three whole weeks!), the day of his first bath (also January 17, 2007), the first time he held his head up (January 20, 2007, although to be fair, he's been holding up his head for short bouts since he was born), the first pumped bottle (January 16, 2007), the day I caught the dog, Tango, eating diaper shit (January 14, 2007).

Every day brings something new, some of the moments are important and some of them are not, but at the end of the day I find myself wishing that I could write all of these things down because I hate to forget them, even the little things. For the first week we were home, Josh and my mom kept a careful tally of when Gabriel ate, peed and pooped. I found this secretly hilarious, but to their faces I'd pretend to take it as seriously as they did. Josh even put together a chart on Excel, with different columns and different methods of recording the pees and poops. He even had a section for comments, you know, like "peed on Dad", "pooped on couch". After we went to the pediatrician and Gabriel was gaining weight well, and his dirty diapers were happening at a record pace, the two of them eventually phased out the chart. I forgot about that chart until today, and that made me a little sad.

Last night Gabriel smiled at his Daddy, and to avoid any doubts, he did it a couple times in a row in response to Josh's singing. After Josh left the room, I told Gabriel in no uncertain terms that the smile was sweet and all, but if he wants the milk to keep flowing, he better produce some gummy grins for this mommy asap. Josh burps him and changes almost all the dirty diapers, but I feed him, and damnit, that better count for more.

Before I forget, yesterday was a series of milestones. We went to the mall for the first time, breastfed and changed him in a department store fitting room, we had to pull over to breastfeed him in the Post Office parking lot, I had to change a dirty diaper on my lap in the car, and then he peed on me in the middle of the changing. We also went out to dinner for the first time, I breastfed at the Olive Garden (covered up) and got my first disgusted look for doing so, even though the woman could see neither breast nor child underneath my cover. It stung a little.

Things are still wonderful, though. Gabriel is the sweetest baby. He never cries, literally never. The last time he uttered any wails was the day of his bris. He will let out solitary squawks when he is displeased with us, and he scrunches up his face into the most pitiful pouty face you've ever seen, but he doesn't actually cry. He lets me sleep 4-5 hours at a stretch at nighttime and feeds every 3 hours in the daytime. Every day he stays awake for longer and longer, and is contented to listen to me babble to him. He is a dream, I can't believe our luck. And he's pretty cute to boot- don't you think? We're definitely keeping him.

national delurking week

I'm sneaking in here before the week is officially over, since it's delurking week!

Now that Gabriel is here, I totally understand how much easier it is to read and not comment! Babies are indeed a lot of work!

But we do love to read all of your comments around here, and really, Gabriel might cry if you don't delurk to say hi.






You don't want to make baby Gabe cry, now do you?

two weeks

Dear Gabriel,

I can't believe you're finally here, and at the same time I can't remember life without you. I've spent months imagining what you would be like- whether you'd be your daddy's little girl or your mommy's boy, whether you'd be a troublemaker or an angel, whether you'd have my dimples or your father's cleft chin. In the end, though, I never imagined that you'd be this wonderful, this adorable, this beautiful in my eyes. I love you so much already, I can't stop counting your fingers and toes and running my fingers along your rapidly expanding cheeks.

I worried so much before you were born. I didn't know what kind of mother I'd be and whether I'd be able to take care of you, but I realize now that with this much love, I could never do anything less than my best. Maybe that won't be enough sometimes, but I'll try my hardest to be the mom that you need.

Last night, I stared at you over the edge of your bassinet and I missed you, even though you were less than 12 inches away from me. I closed my eyes and thanked God for the hundredth time since you have arrived into my life, for this precious blessed gift.

I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much. More than I ever thought possible.

Love,
Mommy

what a difference a week makes!

40 weeks



Showing the limits of just how far your skin can stretch!








41 weeks



I adored pregnancy, but I'm loving this even more.







Life is wonderful these days. I wish I could hold onto every moment, because I look down at Gabriel's tiny hands and feet and skinny legs and know that someday I will blink and wonder where my sweet newborn went. He is an absolute joy.

Thursday was a difficult day for me. As many of you know, Josh is Jewish, as is Gabriel, so at 8 days after birth, we had his brit milah (circumcision) at Josh's aunt's house. Before I got pregnant, I swore I'd only have girls because I dreaded this day so very much. Now, of course, it is almost funny to think that I said that, because I can't imagine having anyone but Gabriel as my baby. I couldn't wish for anything different, because he is my perfect boy. Still,
in the days leading up to Thursday, it was always in the back of my mind that the time was rapidly approaching.

Gabriel is fine now, and to tell you the truth, he didn't cry very much. He has cried more during diaper changes that take too long or when he has to poop and it doesn't happen as fast as he hopes. That made no difference to this new mama, though. I sobbed on the couch before I had to hand him over. I thought I would leave the room when the actual circumcision took place, but I found that I couldn't fathom the thought of leaving him alone, even if I stood several feet away. I found myself involuntarily gagging during the procedure, at the thought that Gabriel was in pain.

It makes it worse, of course, that in my family, circumcisions just don't happen. In Argentina, it is extraordinarily rare for anyone to do a circumcision (for non-religious reasons, of course). I was somewhat reassured because we ended up being fortunate enough to have an ob/gyn perform the ceremony, and he was really great. He gave Gabriel topical anesthetic and was very sensitive to how upset I was. He talked us through it before and during and was very helpful and kind and offered to take our calls anytime we needed him.

It's over, at least, and now I can go back to focusing on how beautiful and wonderful Gabriel is. He is still eating like a little piggy and letting us sleep in 3-4 hour stretches at night. We take a nap a day, snuggled together in bed, the only time that I allow myself the luxury of letting him sleep in my arms. At night, I put him down in his bassinet next to my bed because we're nervous about having him in bed with us when we're so tired and so that he is used to sleeping on his own some of the time.

Yesterday we ventured out for our first adventure to Starbucks! I even breastfed there! Today we made it through a whole breakfast at our local diner without a peep from Gabriel. We've taken a couple of walks to enjoy the unbelievably warm weather we're having. The rest of the time we spend at home, eating and pooping and singing and staring at our new lovebug. Life is truly wonderful. We are so very blessed.

how good?

6 ounces gained in 3 days good.

Back to our birth weight good.

Our first visit to the pediatrician yesterday was spectacular. Apparently, I have a breastfeeding piggy on my hands, which is such a relief! The pediatrician cracked up laughing as soon as he was weighed, because apparently gaining 6 ounces in 3 days is unheard of. I was especially surprised since the quantity of poop that results from this teeny baby is ridiculous! We have had a few poop blowouts that left me doubled over on the couch laughing. Yesterday Josh started to change a poopy diaper, so Gabe peed all over him. Once he'd cleaned up the pee, and started to pull the clean diaper over, Gabe sent a huge glob of poop straight onto the couch. We are a barrel of laughs around here.

We're also especially happy around here because last night Gabriel slept for a 4 hour stretch, then a 3 hour stretch and then a 2 hour stretch. Waking up in the middle of a deep sleep is still hard, I'm struggling not to fall over in bed with him in my arms, but it is sooo much easier after 3 or 4 hours. I spend the 45 minutes or so while he is feeding staring at his little face and little hands and rubbing my hands along his ears and head and toes. I cannot believe that this beautiful baby came out of my belly.

I cannot believe I love him this much.

happy new year to you and you and you

We are settling in wonderfully and enjoying munching on Gabriel's cheeks and arms and neck and toes and nose, and I could go on and on and on... He is delectable!

So far, I am ecstatic to report that he has hardly cried, which is a lovely surprise! He is also a surprisingly excellent eater! I am a worrywart, so I asked to speak to a lactation consultant at the hospital, who declared him to be a model breastfeeder. My only complaint was the cluster feeding he was doing from 2-6am for the first three nights he was with us.

Yesterday, though, Gabriel was happy to find that my milk came in, and he has been milk drunk happy ever since. Last night he woke up to eat like clockwork every 2 and a half hours, and then fell immediately to sleep afterward. Alone! In his bassinet! If we all cross our fingers, maybe it'll happen again tonight.

Not at all surprisingly, I also cried for half an hour yesterday at the thought of this sweet baby ever growing up. I'm trying to remember all those wonderful things you told me about watching your baby grow up, but it still breaks my heart just a little bit. I hope these are the hormones talking and I'll feel better in a few days.

I'll try to write up the birth story soon, but it features lots of twists and turns and drama, including heart decelerations during a non-stress test, a kind-of sort-of emergency inducement, hours of pitocin hell and then a blessedly wonderful and fast labor and pushing after an epidural. And a beautiful and healthy baby, of course, all that really mattered. I'll work on it as soon as I can tear myself away from my new lovebug. Hopefully sometime this year.

In the meantime, I wish each of you wonderful joys this year. Joys like this, happy moments of stomach-satisfying-drunk-on-my-first-real-meals-cozy-and-warm-and-loved kind of happiness!

I could not ask for more

And then there were three.




Gabriel Scott arrived on December 28th, 2006 at 1:15pm!

7 pounds, 3 ounces, 19.5 inches long and the sweetest boy I've ever met.




I'm so in love, I'm speechless.

merry christmas... no winners yet

I wish I could tell you that I'm holding out on you, but not quite yet! Baby is still contentedly hanging around inside, although the contractions pick up and fade away regularly. We were up all night last night with contractions that were just reaching the peak of real pain and came at 4-5 minutes for a few hours. This morning, though, I went for a 2 hour walk to see if the exercise would push them to get stronger, but when we stopped walking, they faded away.

The real problem, I suspect, is that I'm still feeling great and still happy to have baby stick around for a while longer. Josh, on the other hand, is going a little bit stir crazy. He is dying to meet his baby, and he walks around mumbling that I'm clearly keeping the baby inside just to spite him. Last night was the first night that my sleep was interrupted for the majority of the night, but I still got a few hours of sleep and then took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, so I'm not suffering.

Last night we went to a Christmas Eve party, and I think no one could quite believe that I was still walking around contentedly, enjoying the food and festivities. I'm definitely big, don't get me wrong. I regularly wonder how this child is going to actually EXIT my body, because my belly seems to be taking over my whole body. You're sure it fits, right?

Anyway, to appease Josh, we've taken some preliminary action to let baby know that this process needs to be speeded along. I'll let you know if it works.


















In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy the final perks of pregnancy. This, and the back rubs. Wish me luck! Oh, and a baby!

let the guessing games begin

One week down and only half a centimeter gained! The head has moved further into position, and is so far down that I'm starting to understand why women end up walking funny at the end of pregnancy. I'm adamantly opposed to waddling, so I do everything in my power to avoid it, but it is getting increasingly more difficult!

I also have high blood pressure again, even higher than last time, and this time it was positively attributed to work stress. The end result is that I'm out of work and onto maternity leave for good. That doesn't mean that I didn't still come home and work from here because there was too much to do, but it does mean that I'm going to have to cut off the work flow. I can't risk anything happening to this baby, and I certainly don't want to be forced into an induction just because of stress. Relaxing, relaxing, relaxing is in my future.

It looks like this baby might stay inside for my mom's arrival from California on Wednesday, something that makes us all very happy! This baby might also stay inside for the termination of our kitchen remodel. That seems unbelievable, but possible! The countertops were installed on Saturday, and the plumber is supposed to come tomorrow. Once the sink, dishwasher and refrigerator are connected, we have some final simple electrical work and we'll be ready to start moving our stuff back in!

But onto more important things- we need some guesses on when this baby might make his or her entrance into our lives! The person that comes the closest will receive some super secret fabulous prize from me, as yet to be determined, and date to be some time after I recuperate from having the baby and regain my sanity. Before the baby turns one, at least ; )

Soooooo.... in your guess, include the following:
Sex
Date
Time
Weight
Length (if you want)

Remember, the psychic says tomorrow and a boy. The doctor says 1 cm but in position, no idea on the sex. She thinks this is a "good sized baby." I say, THIS BABY IS HUGE! It has to come out soon! I have to admit that I still feel great, so I'm not sure this baby is coming in the next couple of days, but I could be subconsciously keeping this baby inside until my mom arrives (Wednesday morning).

Oh, and this is what 39 weeks pregnant looks like in these parts.






Quick! Quick! Avert your eyes!











Guesses?

no baby yet!

I need more advice, if you have a minute.

First question:
I found these really spectacular baby announcements and combination holiday cards. I'm in love with them. I talked to the invite store and they said that once I have the relevant information about baby, and I can upload a picture, they can print the invitations in 2 days and send them to me in another 1-2 days. In the meantime, they can send me all of the envelopes to address. That way, once I receive the announcements all we have to do is stuff envelopes. And by "we", I mean someone else will be stuffing envelopes.

My concern, however, is that the baby could get here late enough to make holiday cards a mute point. If the baby arrives at the absolute latest time possible, namely January 8th, and it takes me another week to mail out the announcements, is that too late to send out cards that say "Happy Holidays"? What if I change it to "Happy Everything"?

Trust me, the announcements are cute enough to make me want to use them even if I'm a little late for a holiday card. Is it in bad taste to send them out so late, though? If the doctor is right at the baby is born right before or right around Christmas I'm not worried, but my concern is if the baby comes too late then I don't want us to look silly.

Second question:
Did anyone use lotion after their baby was born? Should I worry about using cocoa butter around the baby? I've been using it during pregnancy with no problem, but someone mentioned not to use any nut-type products around the baby in case of allergy. Isn't cocoa a nut? Am I pretty safe? I'm just thinking that if I'm breastfeeding the baby would be pressed against my abdomen, and I definitely use lotion on my stomach.

Third question:
Any tips for relaxing things Josh and I should do before baby arrives? What did all of you do to relax in this exciting time? Movies? Dinner? Visiting friends? Playing music and dancing? Non-PG activities? What?

Fourth question:
Isn't this baby supposed to be running out of room by now? I didn't think it would still be flinging his or her weight around inside my already stretched skin, but a few times a day I'm fairly uncomfortable as my organs get squashed and battered with the kickboxing routine. I literally cannot believe how big my belly is getting!

Advice please?

better than nothing

I wish I could tell you that I had a baby to report, but no such luck!

Our appointment yesterday brought the announcement of a head totally engaged, cervix effaced, and half a centimeter of dilation. I'm ecstatic to have any progress at all, because my worst nightmare was that we'd walk in there and she would say that I'd made no progress whatsoever. Over the weekend I had several nights of contractions, some of them enough to wake me up and keep me up for an hour or so, and then slowly fade away. Friday night they came often and steady enough for us to time them (at 5-6 minutes apart), but by midnight they were gone again. I'm still feeling pretty good, and I'm definitely okay with the baby not coming yet, but I wasn't okay with all those painful contractions doing nothing at all. So any news is good news, I say!

The unfortunate news was that yesterday's appointment also brought with it news of highish blood pressure. Definitely high for me, who errs on the side of super low blood pressure. So starting today I'm supposed to work from home in the hopes that it is just the stress of being in the office and running around like crazy that is making my blood pressure high. Today I wrapped everything up at the office that cannot be brought to my house, and tomorrow I'll be working hard, I'm sure, but at least it'll be from my couch.

On the too much information front, last night and today I've had some bleeding, sort of like a light period, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Is this the bloody show that people talk about? The mucus plug? I called this morning and my doctor said that it is nothing to worry about, especially since the baby has been moving around. I'm also having consistent cramps, much like menstrual cramps, and these feel slightly different from what I've been feeling the last few days.
My mom doesn't arrive until next Wednesday, and my inlaws don't arrive until Monday, so everyone is telling this baby not to make his or her appearance until next week. I think that whenever this baby is fully cooked, he or she is welcome to come. Just make it short, sweet and painless. And healthy. Very very healthy. Those are my requests to my baby.

Last night I also stopped in for a "pregnancy tea" at our neighborhood maternity store. It was a room full of pregnant women, sitting around chatting and enjoying tea and some light yoga. The woman leading the tea had us create a small memento for the baby, a little nest that we built out of twigs and string to symbolize the nest we were building for our babies in our lives. I found some parts of it rather cheesy, but the sitting around listening to other women talk about how their lives are changing or how they feel was nice. The pregnancies ranged from 16 weeks to mine at 38 weeks, and I thought back to how I felt at the very start of this pregnancy and marveled that I am so close to the end of this journey.

I can't wait to meet this baby, but I can already tell that I will desperately miss this closeness. I love the kicks and rolls and punches. I love the surprising little twinges from inside. I know I'll love everything that is to come, but I can't help but cherish these last few days, even with the discomforts of late pregnancy.

I will definitely keep you updated if we go to the hospital or if anything changes. For now, Josh is done with finals and he is working his way through the "honey do" list that I put together for him. Maybe we'll be lucky enough to get a few days of relaxing together time before this babe makes his or her appearance!

I'd better at least be dilated on monday

15 hours of steady contractions
+
nausea
+
upset stomach
+
pains that wrapped around my back
=

Not a baby, that's for damn sure.


At work yesterday, I had all of the above, and by the time I finally finished up at 10pm or so and headed home, I was actually starting to wonder whether this might be IT. I didn't want to think so, but the contractions were steady and coming every 5-10 minutes or so. I was rather confused by them, though, because they weren't what I'd imagined. On the one hand, some of them felt like menstrual cramps, but some of them felt like terrible indigestion. Kind of a full stomach cramping sensation that started in the back and then moved to the front. Some of them were enough to make me stop and clench the back of my chair while I waited for them to pass. At 8:30pm I even called Josh and told him to go out and purchase a birthing ball STAT, and frankly I didn't care that he was in the middle of finals.

The good news is that he finished last night, so my request for a birthing ball didn't interfere with the future livelihood of our family.

But after I arrived at home, took a long hot shower, drank some gatorade, used the heating pad and bounced on the birthing ball for a while, they spread out and I eventually fell asleep despite whatever I was feeling. I slept hard for 7+ hours and woke up feeling much better. Since I woke up I've had a few sporadic contractions, but nothing like yesterday. I told baby that our kitchen is scheduled to be completed around December 18th, so if he or she could hold out until then, that would be FANTASTIC.

I did realize something important last night, though. When the contractions started in the morning, if you'd asked me whether I wanted the baby to come, my response would have been that I am N.O.T. R.E.A.D.Y. Nope, nil, no way. As the day progressed, however, my feelings just changed. Nothing I could put my finger on, but I developed this sort of calmness and I realized that I was. I was okay. I will be okay. When this baby comes, I will be nothing but ecstatic at the opportunity to be his or her mother. I cannot wait to meet my baby.

Even if the kitchen is in shambles, even if I'm living out of my dining room, even if I don't have a sink. Even if the laundry isn't done, the car seats aren't installed and the house is filthy. We will all be okay. In fact, I'd venture to say that we'll be better than okay.

Is this what you meant in all your supportive comments? I guess I should have believed you then, huh?

humor me, please

It has been a poopy couple of days. Nothing big, and nothing even worth complaining about, but that hasn't stopped me before, right?

The traffic and crowds are getting to me a little bit this holiday season. It has never bothered me in the past, but I think that being big and hot and very pregnant is making me sensitive to the crowdedness of stores. I had to put books down and walk away from the line at the bookstore because after a few minutes of waiting, I simply couldn't take it anymore.

It didn't help, therefore, when Best Buy told me that they had a certain item in stock, in fact the salesperson said he had it IN HIS HANDS, that when I arrived at the store a couple of hours later they had no idea what I was talking about. The system showed my item as being in stock, but no one could find it, and no one seemed very invested in looking for it either.

Then the same thing happened to me at my local baby store. I called in advance to ask whether they had infant car seats in stock, they said yes, but when I showed up they were all sold or on hold (story to be continued below). And this was 15 minutes later!

Then, if you can believe it, the SAME THING happened to me at my local maternity store this morning. I asked for a birthing ball to be sent over to the store for me, they called to let me know that they had it in stock, but when I arrived there this morning they had no record of my order, or my hold, or the call they'd made. None of their stores or their warehouse had the birthing ball in stock, so they placed a purchase order. Clearly, that doesn't help me at the moment, though.

My patience these days is rather thin, and general incompetency at stores combined with the sheer quantity of people is making it worse.

This morning's appointment also brought with it disappointing news, which was that I tested positive for Group B Strep, an apparently common bacteria. My doctor assures me that it is not a big deal and nothing at all to worry about, but it means that I have to have an iv and antibiotics for labor, and that if my water breaks before I go into labor, I have to head straight to the hospital. She also said if my water breaks and I don't go into labor asap, they'll also have to induce me.

I thought that I'd prepared myself well for variations from my ideal birth, and I've been telling myself that you can't be married to any one plan, so I was surprised at how upset I was at her news. I hated the iv that I had in the hospital after my fall, and the thought of having to have an iv inserted right away upsets me far more than I'd like to admit. I'm worried that this is going to make it difficult for me to walk during labor, or to get in the birthing tub or shower at the hospital. Even though very few women have their water break before they are in active labor, it was also stressful to hear that if that happens to me and they don't consider me to be in active labor, the hospital would force me to start on pitocin. Sigh. As I said, it isn't anything major, but I have a feeling that hormones and general tiredness are adding up to make for a grumpy Halloweenlover. I think the doctor could see in my face that I was not happy with the news, and she assured me that the iv can be capped off and that I am free to do whatever I want once I am at the hospital. At least that is a relief.

In positive news, though, from last week to this week, the baby's head was a bit lower, and I seem to have "dropped" some. My cervix is also thinning and effacing, and the doc again gave her vote that she doesn't think I'll go later than my due date. Just before or right on time, but not late. I don't know if I believe her, since I'm convinced that we're looking at a New Year's baby, but we'll all have to see, I suppose.

In car seat news, we'd been given a couple of infant car seats from my sister-in-law and neighbor, so we never registered for one or purchased one. I assumed that car seats that were 3 or so years old and hadn't been in an accident were safe for this baby. Imagine my surprise when I spoke to the mandatory car seat inspector this morning and he told me that he wouldn't install a used car seat at all! And that he thinks 3 years is too old! So this morning saw me scrambling for over an hour, calling store after store after store to find a car seat in stock and available for Saturday, when our inspection is scheduled. Did you know that in Massachusetts you can't go home without an inspected and installed car seat? Craziness.

This is all a long-winded way of telling you that when I opened up this blog post, I burst into my tears at Bethiclaus' kindness and generosity. I mean, look at this blanket! Look at the detail! The edging! And the slit for the seatbelt! Did you see the matching hats? I can hardly stand the cuteness. It will even match the car seat that I had to drive all over town to purchase!

Sometimes I cannot believe how wonderful the blogging community is. I can't believe that we can be so invested in each other without ever having met in real life. I'm amazed that someone I've only emailed with, could take the time to knit me a beautiful blanket and hats. I'm stunned that someone could share their talent, just to give me a lovely gift for my baby. I'm grateful for this blog and everyone I've met in so many ways, this is one of the sweetest examples.

Thank you Bethiclaus for such a spectacular gift! I can't wait to wrap my baby in it!

december 1st

I think on some level I never believed December would arrive. Here we are, though, and although people in my neighborhood don't decorate much for Christmas, there are a few homes with lights ablaze and wreaths on doors. The Christmas season is finally here, and with it comes our baby. The carols have taken on a whole new meaning to me also. I think I'll never look at the holidays the same way again.

I even told Josh that I'm making a playlist of Christmas carols to play in the labor and delivery room because holiday songs always put me in a good mood. He thinks it a little odd that I'll be delivering his Jewish baby to Christmas carols, but I say, "hey, whatever works!"

Today, I pulled the milk out of the fridge for cereal and realized that the milk doesn't expire until January 5th. I will, most likely, have a CHILD, by the time the milk goes bad. The milk! I'm a little bit stunned.

I also received my "hooter hiders" in the mail. Josh and I think that the name is almost the best part. I can't wait to refer to it in public as a hooter hider, I'm hoping someone on the plane will ask me.

I also have to give a quick recommendation if any of you know someone that is having a baby and need an easy cute gift. I went to the Reagan Bridgeen website the other day to look at their baby books, and they are having a sale on baby organizers. At first I was skeptical, but I ordered the organizer the other day and received it last night. It is a very cute binder with separate tabs for keeping information about immunizations or passports or social security numbers or childcare providers or things like that. The tabs are really clear and each section has multiple pockets to store paper if you don't have time to hole punch it. The organizers are on sale for $12 off of the original $40-something! And they are quite large, the size of a regular binder and really really quite cute. After receiving mine last night, I ordered 4 more to give as gifts! They look like they cost far more than $12! I also found a code for 10% off (SAVE10), so that brought it down to $10. I'm always at a loss for baby gifts, so I figured I'd share. I should tell them that I'm advertising for them, I deserve free gifts!

Happy December everyone! I can't decide if I want the time to pass quickly or slowly, so I'll just hope that it is a wonderful holiday season for all!

holiday observations

1. Right before Josh and I met, I got E. Coli from a turkey that had been left out all night by a hostess that then served it to her guests. Apparently, several people thought it tasted "funny" but didn't mention it out loud, so I ended up being the one that consumed the most at the party. I spent the next 5 days slumped on the bathroom floor begging my grandmother not to call an ambulance, slipping in and out of delirium due to the crazy high fever and vomiting. I lost 11 pounds in 4 days. So perhaps Josh should lend me some credence when I ask him to ask his mother not to leave the turkey out all night on the front porch instead of in the refrigerator? Perhaps his response shouldn't just be "well, it's colder outside than it is in the fridge."

2. I am apparently also overreacting about eating undercooked stuffing that was baked inside of the undercooked turkey that was left outside all night long.

3. Black Friday at the outlets is not bad at all, at least not at the outlets in the Berkshires. We were able to run in and out of stores with no problems at all, short lines, no waiting. The only exception was the Gap Outlet, but the line still moved expeditiously. And I was able to find a diaper bag on super duper 50% off clearance at Coach! I'm not 110% sure that this is the one for me, but I do think it is pretty cute.

4. Last night after work, Josh and I went out for roasted artichokes and dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. Sitting at our table, with not a care in the world, discussing everything from his final classes, to the stroller that we are coveting, felt like a delicious indulgence. Josh would reach over every so often to feel the baby's kicks and hiccups, as we munched away on carrot cake (my new craving) and cheesecake for him. This is what you meant by plan some dates together now while we still have time, huh?

5. I don't want to jinx myself, but I think that you aren't supposed to feel this good at 36 and a half weeks, are you? I sleep through the night like the dead, rarely getting up to pee. The acid reflux has dwindled to a bare minimum, and except for the dull ache in my pelvic bone and the occasional kicks to internal organs, I feel fantastic. Tons of energy, and no problems moving around. I spent an hour outside on Sunday afternoon planting tulips that we'd purchased in Amsterdam that I'd forgotten about until then. You're sure that I'll want this pregnancy to be over at some point, right? The only thing that keeps me from wanting to be pregnant forever, is that I'm tired of being weighed and tired of STILL GAINING WEIGHT. I thought it was supposed to stop in the last month, but maybe the carrot cake is doing me in.

6. I am, however, tired of the kitchen remodel. Everything needs to just be done ALREADY. The only benefit to my lack of patience has been the ease with which I make decisions these days. Normally, I'd spend an hour and 4 trips to the store pondering the different types of cabinet hardware there are, but these days I walk in and out. I picked a sink in 20 minutes, a faucet in 5. Lights? One look through a catalog and I was done. Cabinet hardware on sale? Perfect. Now, if only everything could be that easy. I'll fail to mention that picking a play pen/pack and play for this baby took me 3 hours.

7. Ninotchka asked in the last post whether I'm still working, and I am. The plan is to keep working until I give birth, unless something happens to change things. My doctor has threatened a couple of times that working until 9pm every night is allegedly "not ok", but we'll just have to see what happens.

8. I hope all of your Thanksgivings were great!

you can do this, girl

I'm rather weepy these days over the impending birth of this child, and KLee's above comment to my last post was enough to send me into full-on tears and sniffles, as were so many of your comments. I always anticipated that after I got pregnant I'd have a moment of the "what have I done?" feeling, but I never did. Since I found out I was pregnant, I've only worried about something happening to the baby, but I haven't doubted how much I wanted this baby. Even now, I have moments of tremendous anxiety over what kind of mother I'll be, but I don't doubt for one second how very badly I want this baby and how incredibly grateful I am to have made it this far with a healthy pregnancy.

I worry mostly about how I will take care of this child, whether I'll do a good job, and when I'll feel ready, if ever. All of your comments and support have definitely made me feel better. I guess I have to let go of the wanting to feel ready part of myself. I'll do what I can, but as Josh keeps telling me, in the end it doesn't matter if the kitchen remodel is completed, or if the baskets in the living room are arranged perfectly. The baby won't know whether the closets have been organized and cleaned, and whether the bins in the attic are in their proper place. Maybe this is the nesting instinct everyone keeps talking about?

Yesterday I hit 36 weeks, and had another appointment with the doctor. I mentioned to her that over the Thanksgiving break I'd been having moments of increasing pelvic pressure. I kept waking up with the same side of my pelvic bone aching and feeling numb. She was surprised to find that the baby's head is low and engaged already, so that explains all the pressure I've been feeling! No dilation whatsoever, though. But the doctor projected that we were looking at a baby that might show up before my due date, although still far into December. Maybe the psychic will be right? We could end up with a December 19th baby, I suppose. Oh, and a projection of a little over 6 pounds as of yesterday.

In the meantime, Josh is finishing up his last week of finals and I'm using my free time to rest and clean, rest and clean. I take turns doing a little bit of each. Once Josh is done with finals, though, I am planning lots of dinner dates and movie nights and outings for the two of us. My mom arrives on December 20th, and hopefully the baby will arrive soon after, and I'm positive that for a long while after that we won't have much romantic or cuddly time together. I'm hopeful, but realistic.

I'm also getting our car seat installed this weekend, and packing my hospital bag. JUST IN CASE. I'm still in denial that this baby is coming anytime soon, but I might as well prepare while I can still move around comfortably. Josh keeps telling me that if the baby pushes my belly button out any more, we might be looking at a fully cooked turkey.

35 weeks = I'm scared

I have a confession to make.

I'm scared.

Sunday night, Josh and I were lying in bed and chatting and I must have gotten a funny look on my face, because he leaned over and said in earnest, "What's wrong?" And I promptly burst into tears. I couldn't even put my finger on what I was crying about, but once I'd started, I couldn't stop. Josh immediately flung his arms around me and started offering up different reasons why I might be crying. Was I scared about having a baby? Was I worried about what kind of mom I'd be? Was I overwhelmed because the house is a disaster? Was I stressed because we are still in the midst of a kitchen remodel with no end in sight? (Yeah, did I forget to mention that? My next blogging topic will have to be the third trimester gutting and remodeling of the kitchen.) All I could do was nod to all of his questions, because the truth is that all of those things and more are making me feel overwhelmed.

I keep thinking that as the weeks pass I will feel more ready to have this baby. Maybe I'll feel more ready to be a mother. But I don't. I feel more excited to meet the baby, but I never feel ready. I never think of myself as a mother, even though I already adore this little wriggling thing in my belly. Last night I noticed that if I sing to my belly the baby will move all around, so I sat and sang holiday carols to it for half an hour until it was time for bed. The thought of anything harming this baby takes my breath away, and I picture meeting him or her for the first time and bringing him or her home and I want to cry.

At the same time, though, I try to picture the baby as my child, and the image seems just out of my grasp. Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I seem to fathom that this is my child, forever and ever, amen? I try to think about sleepless nights and long days, and breastfeeding and changing diapers and everything else, and it seems surreal that we'll do this. And do it soon. Very, very soon.

Now I have the outfits and the wipes and the diapers and the butt paste and the breast pads and the blankets, and now what? I have plenty of tasks to do, but what about when all of that is done? What then? When will I feel ready? When will I feel like a mom?

surprise on a sunday!

Yesterday Josh and I went over to one of his classmates' houses for brunch. As we climbed the stairs to their apartment, Josh and our friend hung back for a second and I pushed open the door to a chorus of very loud screams of "SURPRISE!!!"

I stood to the side for a moment in stunned disbelief before asking, "Surprise for what?" Apparently, for our baby! A surprise shower! That Josh knew about and kept a secret for over a month! With tons of people from his class, and food, and cake, and bloody marys and mimosas (not for me) and gifts! So many gifts! I was shocked, and flattered, and frankly, very overwhelmed by the whole thing. All these people gathered to celebrate this baby and this exciting time. It was almost too much!

We had a fantastic time, and since we had lots of guys along with the girls, there was no talk of labor or delivery or measuring of my belly or anything like that. There were a number of inappropriately sexual jokes, and much talk of movies and travel. It was great fun, and I felt very loved and spoiled.

This baby made out like a bandit again, with soft blankies, adorable outfits, toys, bath items, buntings, and onesies. You'll be happy to know that my "layette" is in much better shape than the last time we discussed. I now have more than 1 wash cloth, in fact, I have 13. I also have a few sleep 'n' plays, and several onesies, and not too many socks, and 3 blankets, and a few hats. Now I'm just trying to figure out whether to keep all of the newborn sized sleep 'n' plays that we got or exchange them for a size bigger. My gut feeling is that this baby is going to be a little bit bigger than average, but this feeling is based on nothing close to proof. Just the insane movements he or she undertakes at regular intervals throughout the day.

During the surprise shower, baby even put on a show for everyone. I mentioned to the friend next to me that he or she was moving, and she exclaimed rather loudly, "Oh my God, I see it!" and when everyone turned to look, baby proceeded to roll and kick so prominently that you could see the tumbling clearly through my sweater. Aren't babies not supposed to have any more room at 35 weeks? This one seems quite comfy.

Once again, my friends, I am so very lucky.

love is smuggling cookies into the hospital

There were few lovely parts of being in the hospital, except for the overwhelming relief that I felt when this baby started moving again in the waiting room. The other lovely part was the way Josh acted over those 24+ hours that we were there. The tenderness with which he took care of me, his concern about my hunger and my tiredness and my comfort were incredibly endearing.

Of course I know that he loves me, but it was something else to see this man helping me out of bed, maneuvering my iv pole and monitor chords, adjusting my gown and assisting me in the bathroom. True love must be someone gently holding your iv tube out of the way so that you can wipe. And helping you up and down off of the toilet when it hurts to sit. Love is when you are lying in bed close to tears because you're so tired and hungry and frustrated, and he tells you that you are so beautiful he can hardly stand it. Or when he refuses to leave the hospital to get books and his computer, because he can't stand the thought of someone coming to do a procedure on you and that you would be alone. Love is being able to hand him my underwear 5 different times when people came to check my cervix, and he doesn't even bat an eyelash.

After all of this, and the bloating and the big belly, and the chubby thighs and butt, and the complaints and the grumpiness, he still tells me that I am the sexiest woman ever. He still showers me with compliments. He still wants to listen to me discuss all baby, all the time.

I am so very lucky. And so is this baby.

houston, we have a problem

Baby-to-be and I are taking our first trip in the Spring to visit my parents in California. Since baby-to-be will be only 2 and a half to 3 months old around that time, we'll likely be breastfeeding on that fairly long flight.

Today on MC's blog, I read this story about a woman being kicked off of a flight for breastfeeding and not covering herself up with a blanket.

Guess which airline we are flying on for our first trip?

The story states that the woman was sitting in the next to last row of the airplane when she was asked to cover up her breastfeeding. Baby and I will be sitting in the second row of first class (thanks to Josh's miles saved up from consulting). We figured that first class would give me the extra room to feel more comfortable juggling a nursing infant and the two dogs that I'll be taking as my carry-on. Umm, but now I'm wondering if a seat that far up front is just going to cause more problems for us.

Needless to say, I'm concerned. How can an airline do this? What do they propose I do with my infant if I can't breastfeed? What if I haven't gotten the hang of breastfeeding under a blanket? What if baby just won't breastfeed under a blanket? What if I can't pump? Why should I even have to worry about pumping if I don't feel like it? I'm planning on buying one of these, but I'm still horrified by this whole scenario.

I can't switch airlines because the tickets are bought and paid for and the trip has been arranged and rearranged. I am panicked, however.

no babies today, but soon!

When we were in triage this weekend, a couple was on the other side of the curtain getting checked out as well. At a certain point, the attending came by and told them that they were definitely in labor, at 3 cm dilated. The excitement was palpable. The husband was almost breathless as he asked again, "We're having our baby?" Josh and I kept smiling at each other as we listened to them exclaim to each other that they were really having their baby!

In the end, they decided to leave for dinner at the Cheesecake Factor before checking into the hospital since her contractions were still quite manageable. We were chuckling at the image of them standing in the lobby for the often interminable waits at the Cheesecake Factory. The doctor suggested to them that they should bring their monitor strip showing her contractions, so that the hostesses would understand that they were short on time.

After they left, Josh and I remained silent for a while thinking about them. I couldn't help but feel happy for them as they left to enjoy their last meal as a family of 2. Although I was hoping in that moment not to have my baby, I also realized how very much I am looking forward to the moment when I am in that same position. I never knew that you could love someone you've never met this much. I never knew that a 20 minute drive where you worry that he or she isn't okay could feel like your heart is tearing in half.

So I guess I really am having a baby. Someone is really going to live here. That is almost unbelievable.

no babies today

Things are better today, so perhaps your good thoughts and prayers are helping! I was released from the hospital late last night after a less-than-stellar stay at the hospital.

The fall was rather unremarkable- I literally tripped over my own feet in the parking lot falling on one knee and landing on my side, after trying to break my fall with my hand. It was hard enough that I knew I'd need to head into the hospital, but nothing close to my fall down the stairs so I didn't completely freak out. After a few minutes, though, I realized that the baby wasn't moving at all, and my hands were shaking as I dialed the emergency number for my ob/gyn. The baby refused to move for the whole drive to the hospital, and I was in tears by the time we pulled up in front of the hospital and checked in at the desk.

We were pulled straight into triage and set up on the monitor, and at that point our little troublemaker decided to give me some reassuring kicks. I started to relax, up until the contractions started. I've had braxton hicks contractions for the last month or two, but these were different. The contractions felt like mild menstrual cramps, with the monitor showing that the contractions were coming every 2-4 minutes apart, although I felt them less regularly than that.

We stayed in triage for a couple of hours, waiting to see if the contractions stopped or slowed down, but were transferred to our own room for the night to continue monitoring. Apparently, a fall followed by contractions is one of the warning signs for placental abruption, and continuing contractions moved us into a higher risk category. I had blood drawn, and an iv put in, just in case dehydration might be contributing to the "cranky uterus". To be honest, as far as discomfort goes, the iv was the worst part. It hurt going in, and it was bothersome and uncomfortable the whole time it was in, particularly when they turned the flow up. The attending did cervical checks and although the contractions were steady, they didn't seem to be doing much in the way of dilation.

The night was long and tiresome. If the baby strayed from the monitor at all, a nurse would rush in and readjust the monitor. I wasn't sleeping much anyway, I was so stressed and nervous about the baby. We felt fairly well-informed all night, however. It wasn't until the morning that we started to actually worry. At around 6am, the nurse woke me up to tell me that they were concerned because the contractions hadn't stopped yet and they expected them to be over by then.

Shortly thereafter, Josh went down to grab a coffee and a newspaper, and a medical student walked into my room and brightly informed me that she would be observing my c-section that morning. After I tersely informed her that I was NOT having a c-section, she ran out of the room and never came back. When Josh got back, I nervously told him what had happened and he insisted that I ring for the nurse to get more information. It seems that the medical student had gone into the wrong room, and was mortified that I'd gotten upset. But she never came back to tell us that she'd been mistaken!

This was only the beginning, though. At 9am, the attending came in and began really scaring us. She told us that the risks of placental abruption were higher now because it had been 15-16 hours since the fall and the contractions were continuing. Then she started talking about emergency c-sections, and then she started talking about how the baby was breach. But, umm, the baby is not breach. And hasn't been breach for 6 weeks! Which was not the most comforting thing she could have said. The ultrasound of the night before had shown that the baby was decidedly not breach, and it would have been nice if she had actually, ohhh, I don't know, read the chart? She ordered more labs and sternly told me not to eat or drink anything just in case my emergency c-section took place.

The rest of the day was downhill from there, because no one would let me eat (even though I'd eaten only an apple and a yogurt the day before), and no one would tell us what was going on. We asked to speak to a doctor a few times, yet no one had time to stop by. At 3pm the nurse walked in and told me that I could eat and could order whatever I wanted so I scarfed down a turkey sandwich. A few hours later, she unceremoniously walked in and told me that she was taking out my iv because I was being discharged. No explanation, no instructions, no assurances, no nothing! The nurse told us to call our doctor in the morning to get explanations about what type of rest I needed or whether I could go to work the next day. Needless to say, I cried on the drive home. Partly out of relief that the ordeal seemed to be over, and partly out of anger and fear that we didn't know what was happening now.

This morning, though, my doctor was very reassuring. I won't be on bed rest for now, and she isn't worried about my needing to have the baby any time in the near future. I'm resting today and tomorrow and staying off of my feet, but as long as the contractions continue to lessen in time and severity, everything should be fine. So we're all very relieved in the halloweenlover household, and we're thanking our lucky stars that baby decided to stay inside for a few more weeks. We're not quite ready to meet him or her yet, although we're looking forward to it.

you can start calling me "grace"

This baby really is an attention hog, apparently. We've been in the hospital all weekend because of a minor fall in the parking lot of Home Depot on Saturday afternoon that turned into pre-term contractions for 24+ hours. The baby is fine, heartbeat great, ultrasound beautiful, but the contractions won't stop coming. Right after the fall, the contractions were coming 2-4 minutes apart for several hours, but they have been spacing out since then and hopefully they'll stop for good sometime tonight. The contractions aren't causing any dilation, so there's been no talk of medication or having the baby early.

I don't have much to share besides this for now, but when I hear more from the doctors I'll give another update. In the meantime, please send some positive thoughts and prayers our way for a few more weeks of "cooking" for this baby.

100,000

I broke 100,000 visitors at some point between yesterday and today, and I can't believe it! I've seen other bloggers mention stat numbers but never thought I'd make it this far.

I wanted to issue a short but sweet thank you to all of you who come by to offer advice and support and kindness. I wish I knew the words to tell you what it means to me. Without all of you, I suspect that I'd be a basket case throughout this pregnancy. Instead, when something comes up and I get frazzled, I just think, "oh, I'll ask the blog!"

All of your friendships are wonderful gifts. Thank you.

thank goodness the paparazzi aren't around

I'm sitting in my office, working, with the door locked, and my pants around my knees because the waistband is constricting my belly too much. After a whole day of getting up and sitting down every few minutes and adjusting the elastic band every which way, I just can't take it anymore.

Ahh, the glamorous side of pregnancy.

layette continued...

Here is a summary of your suggestions for a layette:

Diapers- Newborn and Size 1 (but how many of these do I need? One package of Newborn and 2 of Size 1? Are we talking Costco size packages? Or smaller?)

Onesies- short and long-sleeve (also, how many? A dozen total? More than a dozen?)

Baby Pants (Numbers, people! Numbers! 6? 10? In all different colors?)

Receiving Blankets (I'm assuming 5-6? We registered for a couple of swaddlers and I'm hoping to steal some from the hospital. And by steal, I mean, ask for nicely.)

Hooded Towels (I have 3, is this enough?)

Washcloths (I have 1, how many do I need?)

Sleep 'n Plays/Footie Pajamas (I have 3-4, how many newborn versus 0-3 month sizes should I get?)

"Sweetpea" pj sets- what is this? Where do I find them?

Baby Socks- although we have differing opinions on this. If I have enough footie pajamas maybe I don't need these?

Hats (how many and what size? Josh and I have big heads, should I assume that baby to be has a big head too?)

Wipes (any suggestions on brands?)

Baby Tylenol- dye free

Gripe Water (is this the same as Mylicon?)

Saline Drops

Burp Cloths (I have none, and have received none. Where do I find these?)

Alcohol wipes (shudder, I can't even discuss the umbilical cord. Ick.)

Pacifiers (brand suggestions?)

Mild Shampoo or Baby Wash (more brand suggestions?)

Butt Paste or Desitin or something

Lansinoh

Car Seat and Car Seat Cover- CHECK! At least I can mark one thing off my list.

Dreft- CHECK! Two things off my list.

And what is this nonsense about having to change outfits one or two times a day? You're kidding right? My baby is never going to dirty their beautiful outfits. My baby also won't ever stink. I feel strongly about this.

Am I forgetting anything?

what is a layette anyway?*

In an effort to calm me down a bit, Josh suggested that we make a list of the items we need and take shopping trips over the next few weekends to get all those necessary items.

So I need help. What do I really, really, really, REALLY need. What makes up this "layette" that people keep talking about?

How many onesies? How many diapers? How many pairs of socks? How many pajamas? What else?

I'm only looking for enough to get me through the first couple of weeks, and then once the baby is here and we know the sex, we'll look for more clothing and blankets and all that for the coming months.

Help help help! Tell me what we can't live without!
_______________________________
*I'm thinking that a sled is not part of the layette.

confession

You all are the sweetest ever, seriously. I am totally keeping you around, because you make a big swollen pregnant girl feel so much better. Next time I look in the mirror at my twice as large thighs and cellulite-covered booty, I am going to think of all your comments. On that note, did you see that I was wearing nylons? Since I'd taken the time and effort to shave my legs for the shower, I went ahead and wore a skirt and nylons today too, and I suspect that will be the last time. 7 and a half months pregnant and trying to wrestle on a pair of pantyhose was not a pretty thing. I don't think I'll attempt it any bigger than I already am.

You all know that I try to keep up the positive attitude, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn't been all that hard. I feel like I am having a fairly easy and peaceful pregnancy. I feel good, I sleep great (like a log) and I have very few aches and pains. Recently, the sciatica has started to flare up again at times and I do have acid reflux more often, but I feel fantastic the vast majority of the time. I could totally do this again with pleasure, if I am so lucky.

Today was a bad day, though. I suspect that the combination of the baby shower being behind me, and having to drive my mom to the airport and know that she won't be back until December 20th, was just too much. I felt so terribly sad and out of it all day at work. I finally shut my door at lunchtime and allowed myself to cry some pitiful (and totally unwarranted) tears for myself. There is still so much to do before this baby arrives, and I desperately wish that my mom lived close by. Even a few hours away would be enough. I want to be able to go buy the diapers and socks and onesies and blankets with her, not by myself.

Then I read this post, and this post, and I felt like a totally selfish and self-centered butthead, but I think you just have to succumb to the self-pity every so often. Embrace it and then let it go, no?

I'm also wondering if this is all another situation that we can blame on the hormones, only because normally, even if I'm grumpy or sad, I can shake myself from my mood for a while. Today I couldn't, though. I kept feeling sad and down in the dumps no matter what I did. I think I also hoped that after the shower was over and I'd received Boppies and Diaper Genies and sheets and all that, I'd feel more prepared for this baby. But I don't. I feel about the same, excited, ecstatic and ill-prepared.

Feel free to tell me that all I need is boobs and diapers and I'll be good to go.

Anyway, I thought it only fair to confess this to you, so you don't think I'm some kind of lunatic that walks around all sunshine and roses. Today was not my best day, as evidenced by the blubbering in my office. I miss my mom. I feel scared at moments of what is actually going to happen come December. And I guess that's okay.

it's a joy, girl or boy

Today was my baby shower and it was wonderful, as I'd expected! I'm more than a little sad that it is over, to be honest. My mom heads out tomorrow and she won't be back until December 20th, hopefully early enough to be here for the baby's birth. While I had the baby shower to anticipate, there was something between today and the birth. Now that the shower has happened, and my living room is packed full of baby supplies, I'm almost prepared. Kind of. A little bit. As prepared as I guess I'll ever be.

Baby to be was showered with love and gifts, and my friends did an amazing job with food and games and decorations! One of my friends said that she couldn't believe I was having a baby next month, and I paused to correct her and then realized, oh my goodness, it IS next month! How did time fly like this? How can it already be November? How can a baby be coming in DECEMBER?

We're at week 33 now, and my belly is so big that this baby must be fully cooked. Maybe we all have the date wrong?

cheating a little

I owe everyone a post for today under the rules of NaBloPoMo, but I'm way too stinking exhausted. My mom is in town for the weekend and the time has completely run away from me, and I didn't do any of the things I wanted to do. It has been a nutso day, and running around with this big belly and extra weight hasn't been easy. I'm grateful that although I work long hours, at least I get to sit down!

Someone needs to explain to me how I can possibly have 7 more weeks of growing for this belly! I feel huge and I'm not sure I can possibly get bigger! Maybe I'll just stay at this size. It's possible, right?

slingin' it

We tested out the sling this evening with some very willing participants. So willing, in fact, that they each fell asleep during their time in the sling, and when I'd removed them, they stood staring at me and begging to be picked up again!

Let's just hope that baby-to-be likes it just as much!

monitors anyone?

There is an awful lot going on in the halloweenlover household these days, most of them relating to the bayyybeee that is possibly arriving in this household in the coming weeks. This Monday was our 32 week appointment, at which time the pumpkin showed off its wriggling skills and moved in and out of the reach of the doppler several times, making it difficult for the doctor to get an accurate read on the heartbeat. He or she probably weighs around 4 pounds, based on her manual estimates and measurements. All appears to be well, and we're very happy to be crossing the threshold into 32 weeks. For some reason, this whole baby thing feels very REAL these days.

Over the past couple of weeks, Josh and I have been fortunate enough to play around with a new product sent to us for our review. A very, very new BABY product, that has just hit the shelves at your neighborhood Huge Baby Store, the Philips DECT Baby Monitor.

Now, a baby monitor was something we'd thought long and hard about. Should we get a video monitor or an audio monitor? What were the relevant features? What about interference? Would it block the cordless phone and internet (we've experienced this problem before)? What about price? What about size and looks? There were a number of things to think about.

Once you've made the choice for an audio monitor rather than video, the Philips monitor definitely comes out as a front runner. After owning it and playing with it for a couple of week, albeit without a baby, here are my thoughts:

1. It is the cutest baby monitor I've seen out there.
These monitors, both the one that remains in the baby's room and the one that goes along with you, are pretty sleek and modern-looking. The monitors are white with yellowish/orange accents. The parental unit comes with an attachment to wear it on your belt or around your neck. It is small, about the size of a small cordless phone or largish cell phone.

2. The features and perks are very nice.
Both monitors have bright displays that are easy to read. Both show you the time, volume, and temperate in the nursery. The parental unit (handheld one) can activate a few lullabies and a nightlight from a remote location. We tested this one out and could scroll through and turn on lullabies from downstairs! The nightlight can also be turned on from downstairs, and it seems to be a good strength, nothing so crazy that it would wake up a baby, it just sort of casts a soft glow over the room and displays little stars on the light up portion. You can also use the parental monitor to talk to the baby from another room. I'm not sure how much we'll use this feature, but I didn't see it on other monitors. Of all of these, my favorite feature was seeing the temperature in the nursery since I'm a little paranoid about that room getting too hot, since it is very small.

3. Best of all, NO INTERFERENCE.
We used the monitors near the computers while surfing the internet, and tested them with each of our cordless phones and even while the microwave was running. This was a problem we'd had in the past with tons of electronics, so it was a relief to get away from it! Apparently, Philips uses "digital enhanced cordless telecommunication" to make sure you don't hear your neighbor's baby instead of your own by scrolling through up to 60 channels to find a clear connection. I don't know anything about the technology, but it definitely worked. Our neighborhood is full of kids and even when we left it on for hours, we never heard anything but our own house. Josh and I had a good time using the monitor as a walkie-talkie and running around the house chatting to each other. When we aren't making noise, I hear absolutely nothing from the monitor- no background noise or strange sounds or buzzing or anything. I think I'll appreciate that when I'm trying to sleep.

The monitor is really new, and I've only seen it on display in the glass display case at Huge Baby Store, looking all petite and cute next to the other models. I was nervous to have a review a product like this one, because I've been so picky about other baby items, I was convinced I'd be disatisfied. But truthfully, I'm very impressed with how easy to use and functional I think the Philips monitor is. I'd definitely recommend it to other new or expectant parents I know. Feel free to email me if you have any other questions! And I'll do another review once the littlest member of our family is here. I'm sure I'll have more opinions once there is a baby on the other end, instead of Josh making scary noises and trying to terrify me.

nablopomo

Because I'm crazy, and because what else is there to do when you're 32 weeks pregnant and totally overwhelmed with life, other than to sign up to blog every day for the month of November? I sacrifice for all of you, though. I'm taking one for the team.



I'll find a way to do it, even if I have to scrape together totally boring stories, like how I went to my last doctor's appointment, took the cup to pee in from the front desk, went into the bathroom, peed and walked out without ever doing anything with the cup. And then they sent me back in because they actually NEED that, and I almost did it again! This is what my brain has been turned into, mush, complete and utter mush.

Today, however, I am able to report that I'm only the tiniest bit sad about Halloween being over. Usually Halloween is a major occurrence in my calendar of events, but this year, not so much. I suspect it is the rather HUGE event that is looming on the horizon that tends to turn all other events leading up to it into not so important events. Also, my mom is coming into town this weekend and a friend is throwing a smallish baby shower, and Thanksgiving seems so close, as do the holidays, and then, of course, the baby!

Not that I'm not continuing to be a Halloweenlover, because I am. I just didn't look toward it this year with the same enthusiasm and excitement. I was busy nesting and cleaning out linen closets and desk drawers and hanging curtains, I guess.

Josh still managed to surprise me yesterday, with a lovely Halloween treat at the office.






My favorite part is the card, that reads:
"Happy Halloween to you and our gremlin!
Love,
Hubs"





Isn't he the sweetest? I'm totally keeping him around! Plus, these flowers are gorgeous and exotic and I've never seen this type before! My office smells fragrant and lovely now, too.

BOOOOOOOOOO!

If this doesn't scare you, then I don't know what will...




Let this be a lesson to you, stay AWAY from the candy bowl or you'll start to look like me!





Happy spooky creepy scary Halloween from the whole Halloweenlover household! Including the littlest pumpkin!

guess who?

Guess who decided to surprise me by fixing the paint in the nursery and completing the painting of all the trim, built in bookcases and doors?!?




I'll give you a hint, he is related to the baby-to-be!




A couple of weeks ago, we were here- picking yellow after yellow after yellow. After some paint expert consultations at our neighborhood paint store, we finally settled on "Lightning Bolt", the perfect yellow for the bedding.



Then we were here: exactly what I wanted! Pale, creamy yellow, just barely into the yellow category, but matching the bedding and standing out against the white furniture.







All we have left to do is a very brief touch-up of those spots where the trim got onto the wall, and then we're done! I've been promised that rugs will be unrolled, and cribs will be built, and curtains will be hung this weekend!





Now we're here! Freshly painted ceiling, walls, trim, bookcases, doors and everything else! I can hardly believe it! Maybe this weekend I'll even have some actually-looking-like-a-nursery pictures!

31 weeks and still no names

We're still trying to come up with names, and I seem to have a roadblock when it comes to a girl's name. We have a boy's name in mind, actually a couple of them, but even though I've always thought that girls' names are a bit easier, I can't seem to come up with even one that I love! Josh is no help either, he just gives non-committal answers, and his suggestions are atrocious. I would tell you what they are, but I don't want to offend anyone, just in case.

In the meantime, though, we love to make guesses as to what sex this baby is. My only indication is that I can't think of a girl's name- we take this as some sort of proof that perhaps this baby is a boy. Then again, my mom was convinced that I was a boy. In fact, her pregnancy journal is often dedicated to "Eric", and she mentions regularly how much she loves her son-to-be. They were so surprised at my birth, they thought about naming me Erica because they couldn't possibly think of any other names! So you never know, I guess.

How about some guesses from all of you? These are the hints we've received up until now.

1. Chinese Calendar says girl, based on my date of birth and baby's date of conception.

2. I'm carrying flat and wide and low (and apparently my butt and thighs are bigger, as told to me by an acquaintance- gee, thanks).

3. I crave:
protein
spicy foods
apples
sweets
milk
peanut butter
I normally dislike sweets, but now I can't get enough. I also can't get enough spicy foods- especially buffalo sauce. I even ate it on a salad the other day!!! EW!

4. My skin is the clearest it has been in my entire life.

5. I've been told by a few people that I'm prettier pregnant than in real life (also another gee, thanks, moment).

6. I'm sleeping pretty well, and can still sleep on my back.

7. My boobs are bigger and higher than before, but still the same bra size.

8. The baby's heartbeat used to be high 150s, then high 140s, and this last appointment was high 130s.

9. I've only had one dream about this baby, the month before I got pregnant, and it was a boy.

10. Don't forget, the psychic said it was a boy!

So? Any predictions? Any old wives' tales that I'm missing? And if you'd like to throw some names into the mix, I'd appreciate it also!

girls' weekend recap

My emotional batteries may be recharged, but I think I may have ended this last week more tired than I was before these ladies arrived! Phew! What a weekend! We did lots of running around, eating, laughing, being loud and obnoxious and loving our time together. It was a blast. The best thing about my friends is that they are so enthusiastic! So everything was a treat and an adventure.

Friday night, after dealing with traffic around Logan Airport, we met Josh out for dinner and at the last minute decided to scare ourselves silly by going to see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It is almost Halloween, you know! I have to admit, though, that I spent more time laughing at my friends cowering in their seats than I did screaming about the movie. As soon as one of the characters runs BACK into the house instead of running away, the movie is done for me. I also tend to get far more scared of ghosts or monsters than I do of real people with chainsaws (with the exception of Michael Myers, who scares the dickens out of me). That night, the girls all stayed up until 3am gabbing away, far after I'd collapsed on the couch and fallen asleep. They eventually woke me up and ushered me off to bed when they were finally ready to sleep.

Saturday, we enjoyed a delicious diner breakfast at one of our favorite authentic greasy spoons, and then headed out to Concord and Lexington to enjoy some leaf-peeping and shopping at the adorable little boutiques in the town centers. We stopped off at home to give me the opportunity for a quick nap, and then headed off to Salem to see some witches! And goblins! And ghosts!


Salem was fantastic. Not too crowded, but full of energy and good spirit. We walked around, visiting the stores and enjoying a street fair of spells and "witches brews" and random items, before stopping into a Psychic Fair so that two of my friends could get "readings". I declined, mainly because I'm not really interested in knowing the future, whether I believe it or not. I'd rather enjoy my life as it is happening, and frankly, I don't want them to tell me anything bad.

That didn't keep two of the psychics at the front desk from exclaiming as I walked in, "OH! You're having a boy!" I said that in fact, I didn't know what I was having, to which I received a chorus of yesses and nods and insistence that this little pumpkin is a boy. Apparently, a healthy, happy boy, who is going to make his appearance a bit early. AND, much to Josh's pleasure, one of the psychics told me that this little boy's feet would be very important to him, and would play a major role in his life. Of course, my aspiring soccer player husband, captain of his MBA team, is now convinced that he has a future super star on his hands.

Even more notably, specifically, this baby is going to arrive on December 19th, per one of the psychic's insistence. If this all comes true, I will indeed share the names of these psychics, so that we can go get readings because they are obviously talented and accurate. We'll have to see.

After the psychic fair, and some lovely readings where one of my friends is going to be a superstar at her new job, and the other is going to meet her tall, dark, handsome and wealthy husband-to-be shortly, we took a break for some dinner. The weather, surprisingly, was perfect. Crisp, but not too chilly, a cloudless night that begged for walking and enjoying the sites. Eventually, we drove back home and spent more time talking and laughing and going over the psychic readings.

Sunday, after a quick breakfast of bagels and coffee, and a visit to cheer Josh's soccer team on briefly, we headed out to Walden Pond for more leaf peeping and enjoying the perfect weather. We visited an apple and pumpkin farm, and tried to find a pumpkin to match the size of my belly. We visited the Old North Bridge and the Minuteman Statue, and even convinced our friend M to loudly proclaim her Longfellow speech while standing atop the Old North Bridge (she still has it memorized from the 3rd grade). Dinner at a delicious Chinese restaurant, and then a law school girlfriends' only baby shower, complete with Red Sox pacifiers and Red Sox sippy cups (much to Josh's satisfaction) and books and classical music cds for baby. It was truly wonderful, and I felt so loved and lucky and happy.

For the rest of Sunday night, we relaxed and enjoyed our time together before everyone's early morning flights. I was incredibly sad to see them go, even with the sleep deprivation! And it was terrifying to think that the next time I see them, I will (hopefully) have a baby! Crazy!

** Blogger is being stingy on letting me upload pictures to this post, so I'll have to post another update with photos, or you can mosey over to Flickr to see the weekend fun!

pipe dreams

Josh proclaimed today that in no event will his children ever chew gum with sugar.

To which I replied, "what?! What about Bubblicious?"

And he said, "no, no, no, absolutely not. No gum with sugar in my house EVER."

Now my question is, should we laugh now or later?

recharging my batteries

This weekend is a very special one. My law school girlfriends, 4 of the most fabulous women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, are coming to visit me. They are traveling from Atlanta, Los Angeles, Albuquerque and Washington D.C., just to celebrate the future arrival of this baby, just to laugh and point and marvel at how large this belly is becoming. When they first started discussing the visit, I was excited and incredibly pleased that we were even considering it. But as they are each boarding their planes in their prospective cities, I feel humbled that I am so very lucky to have such wonderful friends.

Not many people would do this much for you, I know.

So I'm off to enjoy that special recharging that only girlfriends can give you, the kind where you sit around and laugh and tell stories and wish that you did it more often. We'll be going out to dinner, and apple picking, and leaf peeping, and even visiting the witches in Salem, but I suspect that the moments I'll carry with me will be those that we spend in my living room in front of the fireplace.

Have a wonderful weekend!

29 weeks down, 77 days to go...

This belly picture shocked me a little, because, um, I didn't realize that I looked that big! The belly is rather closely resembling a basketball these days, and I am definitely feeling more of the typical cravings that everyone talks about. Nothing too dramatic, but if you mention a food in front of me, I won't be able to stop thinking about it until I have it. I've also been craving peanut butter, which wouldn't be that odd except that I HATE peanut butter. When I worked at a coffee/yogurt shop in college, the owner would make peanut butter cookies before I came in and I'd have to wash the bowls. I would gag the whole time, because I can't even stand the SMELL of peanut butter! But now I want it, and nothing else will satisfy me. This baby is definitely Josh's, that's for sure.

In other news, I passed the glucose test with flying colors. I'm glad no one told me that you had to have 4 blood tests in 3 hours, because I would have freaked out and been anxious for the days before. Once I was already at the lab, I had a limited amount of time to freak out, and I kept reminding myself that it was all for a good cause. Unpleasant, but over fairly quickly in the grand scheme of things. The nausea and headache afterward weren't enjoyable either, but the main problem was the sugar crash I had at about noon, causing me to burst into tears for no real reason on the way to work.

We also had a minor catastrophe over the weekend, when after weeks and weeks and WEEKS of begging Josh to paint the baby's room, he locked himself in the future nursery to paint the built-in bookshelf, doors, windows and trim. For some reason, he lost his mind when he chose the paint, and rather than picking the clearly identified semi-gloss trim paint, he chose something called Calcimine Recoater, a specific product that we have to use on our old ceilings to prevent the paint from flaking off the Calcimine plaster. I walked in halfway through, and noted that it seemed rather gleaming white instead of the lovely creamy trim color I'd chosen, but didn't think much of the whole thing. It wasn't until he asked me to help him clean the paint brushes, and my hands were covered in oil paint with no hope of coming off, that I realized what he'd done. And then I cried. And cried. And cried.

I cried because now we have to hire someone to come and figure out how to fix this situation. And then I cried because he'd ruined the baby's room and the only thing I want is a place to arrange for this baby (I think the nesting is kicking in big time). And then I cried because I'd gotten the oil paint all over my hands and breathed it in, and I was convinced that now I'd probably hurt the baby. There was a lot of crying. Probably a lot of hormones too, but seriously, the crying was bad. I'm still upset because all the painters I contacted, that we can't really afford, can't start for several weeks, and that makes me a little crazy. But I'm trying to focus on something else, and on the realization that tons of people don't have a nursery ready when the baby comes. Most likely I will have plenty of time, but if I don't, I'll survive.

Besides all of this, we're just doing the same old thing. Still feeling great most of the time, still sleeping on my back, still loving all the kicking and rolling. I'm more shocked every day at HOW big this belly is getting. I'm not sure how there can be 77 days left until my due date. There is an awful lot of growing that can get done in 77 days, you know?