Wednesday, April 28, 2010

mastering the art of seductive

I'm not shy or lacking in self confidence, normally. I was cool with the knife fighting from our Stiletto Spy School classes, I'm fine with self-defense, lie detection, male Elvis strippers, crazy casino antics, all the rest. I loved it all, in fact. I still look back on those moments and chuckle to myself.


The section of the spy school that featured "the art of seductive dance" was definitely NOT in my comfort zone. Especially not with tons of other people watching, several of which I hardly knew. Did I mention I'm a terrible dancer? I mean, I have the beat, but beyond shaking my hips and moving my legs a little, I'm not much for the moves. Plus, the bride and several of her friends live in Los Angeles. They take pole-dancing classes for fun! I'm way behind on my skills.

Our class was taught by an Australian stripper, and it took me a few minutes to even catch on to her accent, especially since she would refer to our "knickers" and "snap-off thongs", terms I don't normally use in my every day life with the two kids. Unfortunately.

Anyway, she started out with a dance routine to You Can Leave Your Hat On, and folks, this was not for the shy of heart. This was a straight up strip tease/lap dance, complete with removing all articles of clothing, rubbing our hands all over our bodies, flinging legs in the air, dancing on top of chairs. It was... something else.

I'm a good sport, though, and I pushed aside my discomfort and went with it, even though as I look back on pictures I'm realizing that when everyone was bending right, I was bending left, and when their arms were wrapped around their bodies, mine were still holding on to the chair, when they were on their knees, I was still in the turn. I'm sure it looked awful, but I persevered.

I even whipped out my perfectionist tendencies and asked specific questions like, "when did you say we should take off our underwear? Did you want us to rub all over our bodies or just through our hair?" My girlfriends got a good chuckle out of those, for sure.

I still haven't performed my moves for Josh, and I've practiced a few times and cannot for the life of me remember all the dance moves, but I did learn some valuable tips for those of you who would like to perfect the art of seductive dance.
1. You have to OWN IT. Who cares if you feel silly? BELIEVE that you look good. Believe that your significant other has never seen anything sexier. Rub that booty!
2. When all else fails, run your hands up and down your body, tousle your hair, crawl on your hands and knees. Again, they'll love it.
3. Turn down the lights, set up the candles, wear something sexy, put on a hot song. You Can Leave Your Hat On is good because it gives you cues on what to do, if you're at a loss.
4. Feel sexy, walk slowly, throw your hips around, and you will be sexy. I saw all those girls in the class transformed from shy girls into sex goddesses in just a couple of hours. Seriously, it was miraculous.

I'll let you know how I fare with my routine, I'm planning to go through with it this weekend after a couple of glasses of wine. I need to find a hat before I can really complete the effect. Anyone have a fedora they aren't using?


BabyMac said...

FABULOUS! Very funny - can't wait to hear all the details. And love love love that you couldn't understand the Australian accent. You would be pleased to know that Daisy refers to her underpants as knickers. Just so you know ;)

Have fun lady but don't go being too careless and getting yourself knocked up (Australian for pregnant!)

Anonymous said...

Now that you've got that out of your system try doing something really productive and beneficial and get rid of the boring Hallowe'en theme on this blog. Really, it surpasses unimaginative, juvenile, cute or charming and comes down to downright gag-me time!

BabyMac said...

WOW Anonymous. Wow. That's nice. That's reeaaaaally nice. Go on, go out of your way to be nasty to someone, just for the fun of it. Do you feel better for it? Honestly. If it bothers you so much? Go away. Actually, just go away anyway.

TK said...

You were awesome in that class!!! Also, Anonymous is a jackass. Whatev. I bet no one dances sexy for Anonymous.

halloweenlover said...

Point taken, Anonymous. I will work on my blog design.

Love that Daisy calls them knickers. And don't worry, I am being VERY CAREFUL to avoid the whole knocked up bit.