i'm having a boy (or a girl)

I've been thinking over the past few days about why I've been so adamant about not finding out the sex of this baby. The first reason is that Josh really really really didn't want to find out. If I'd been desperate to know, perhaps I could have persuaded him, but he was certain that he didn't want to know. The truth is, though, that I simply don't care. I can imagine having both a girl and a boy as my first child, and either one seems splendid and wonderful. Either one would be magical and carries with it so many dreams and ideas. I will be equally happy either way.

Mainly, though, I have this weird theory about life that ties into it.

I believe that along the way, we make decisions and choices that change our life's trajectory. Some are within your control, and some are not, but all choices become part of your life story. If you choose to go to law school, whether you practice or not, you'll always have been changed by your time in law school. If you get married or not, you'll be changed by that decision. If you move across the country on a whim, you'll never be the same person again. In the same way, when you make certain choices, you close off doors to a different choice. In some cases, that choice will never be available to you again.

When I said yes to Josh's proposal, I knew that this would be the only time I'd ever be engaged for the first time. When we got married, I knew that this part of my story was set. I hoped and hope (!!) that this is it for us, but regardless, this is our first marriage, our first mistakes, the only time we'd have this innocent giddiness, the first time I'd have my first married fight.

When Josh and I decided to stop using birth control, I realized that my life story was being set in a certain way. I was going to know soon (hopefully) whether I'd ever be pregnant. From then on, I'd never go back to that state of not knowing what it is like to try to get pregnant. There is something in that first excitement of trying, when you think it'll happen right away, when you imagine that it'll be easy and blissful. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but from then on, your story will be different.

Right before I took the pregnancy test for this baby, when my boobs were on fire and I'd crawled out of bed before Josh woke up to see if my suspicions were true, I thought to myself that this could be the last time I ever got a positive pregnancy test for the first time. Every other time might be wonderful and special and unbelievable, but it would never be the first time again. When it came up positive, I didn't know much. I didn't know whether I'd carry a baby to term, whether tomorrow I'd get my period, whether any of it would work out, but I knew that I could get pregnant, even briefly.

All of that, all of this, is the beginning of our story to build a family. This will be the only time I carry my first child, no matter what happens. If I'm lucky enough to have a first or second or third child, they will all be equally amazing and different, but it'll never be the first time I do it all. The first ultrasound, the first kicks, the first birth, even the first episodes of morning sickness.

Today, I know that I am having a baby. That part of my story is set. If I find out whether it is a boy or a girl, that part of my story will be set too. From then on, I'd imagine myself with one or the other, and I'd know what my first child will be. Not knowing feels like this delicious secret that will be unveiled to me at the very end. As many people have mentioned, it doesn't matter whether I know today or at the birth, it will still be a surprise. But when so many decisions that we make change our life's trajectory for us, it feels nice not to know.

In reality, our story is already set because this baby IS one or the other. But until I know, I can dream about both. I can imagine my husband's cleft chin on a boy, or my dimples on a girl. Life is so short and goes by so quickly, and it is fun that this part of my story is a secret, even to me.