don't cry for me...

Annnnddd, Argentina is out of the World Cup.

I would cry, but frankly this week has been so bad that I have no tears left, plus, these days I really have perspective.

Tango has been in and out of the vet all week, keeping me up until all hours of the night throwing up and having all other manners of unpleasant stomach problems, and generally trying to kill me.

Plus, my previous post.

And to top it all off, sweet wonderful Jill is having her sixth miscarriage. If you have some love to give, please swing over to her place.

I hope you all have restful and happy weekends. Happy Independence Day.

wishing things were different

This weekend one of my dearest friends had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We work together, play together, spend countless hours together, and had often joked that our babies would turn their heads to each others voices, more so than our own husbands.

It is impossible for me to put into words how excited we were to have babies so close in age, to be on maternity leave together, to take day trips and support each other. And my heart breaks that this has happened, especially at a time when she was trusting more and getting more excited at the prospect of having a baby.

If you have positive thoughts and prayers to share, please do. There is so little I can do to help her, except be sad along with her, and wish from the bottom of my heart that things were different.

i feel a little sick

I just spent the last 15 minutes licking each individual chip in the Doritos Cool Ranch package to get all of the powder off. I didn't eat the chips, just licked off the outside, before depositing the chip neatly back into the bag.

I think I need help.

13 weeks, and the reaction

13 weeks this past weekend! Yay! I celebrated by feeling terrible again and relaxing on the couch all day. I've come to realize that in my newly pregnant state, I'm unable to tolerate the heat. Or at least, that is my interpretation of why every time it gets above 75 degrees here in Boston, I seem to shut down. On Saturday I walked to our town center, about a 3/4 of a mile walk, in about 85 degree heat, and ended up totally sick again that evening. It was hot, but I walked slowly, and with water, and it wasn't THAT far! Regardless, I was out for the count the rest of the night and all of Sunday. I feel like such a weakling every time it happens, even though Josh is fabulously understanding. He never complains about taking over the brunt of the housework, and reassures me constantly that he understands, all while fetching juice and water and snacks.

Last night at 10:30pm, he even drove to the grocery store to purchase green olives stuffed with jalapenos (I know, yuck) and plums, because after seeing people on the television having martinis with olives in them, I became desperate for them. The olives, not the martinis. And plums, well, just because. I have no explanation for the strange combinations.

I also told my work last week, and wisely told the head of our department, who is a woman with three children. They were very excited! In fact, the head of the department jumped up and down! And then another senior partner told me to name the baby after him, whether it was a girl or a boy. I told a couple of the other partners, and a few associates, but left the news to travel on its own to most people. So far, everyone has been very enthusiastic and excited. The partners have offered part-time (3 days a week) or flex-time (4 days or some other combination of home and in-office work) or any other combination I'd like, as alternatives after the baby is born. I'm definitely coming back to work for a number of reasons, but I will likely have to wait and see how I feel after the baby is born before deciding the number of days I'll work. I can also take extended maternity leave, although my regular maternity leave is 5 and a half months, and my mom thinks that might be enough time for me. We'll have to wait and see.

I was extremely nervous going in to tell them, but was very pleasantly surprised. It was a great experience, and everyone has been happy and excited for us. The head of the group even gave me lots of breastfeeding and pumping advice, since she pumped for all of her kids even after she came back to work and breastfed for over a year. I feel very supported, which is great.

And just in time, because I am starting to show these days! Only two people told me that they'd wondered about my new growing belly, which surprised me, because I am finding it rather obvious. Today is the first day that my stomach appears to be bigger than my boobs! I figure that is the big giveaway to most people.

So all in all, it has been a good week. I have ups and downs with the nausea, but I feel good most of the time. The best part of all this is that I am starting to get very excited over the whole thing! We have done absolutely nothing with regard to the pregnancy, and we are probably going to start some minor preparations soon, especially while I feel good. The guest room that will be the nursery is in shambles, so we'll have to start emptying and rearranging that stuff around the house. The closet is still full of Josh's clothes, so we'll have to empty that too, and then I might start looking at paint samples.

I can't remember if I've mentioned that we aren't finding out what this baby is, so I can go ahead and look at colors and bedding if I feel like it. Josh thinks we should get two sets of bedding, one girl and one boy, and then return whichever one we won't use. I have to decide if I want to do that, or pick something unisex. I have lots of time, though!

community supported agriculture, and mysterious vegetables

Last summer, I heard about something called community supported agriculture, or CSA, where you sign up to purchase a share in a nearby farm. The cost of your share covers the farm's expenses throughout the winter and spring, in anticipation of a good bounty that summer and fall. You have to pledge in advance to support the farm with your subscription, and when late spring hits, you begin to receive a basket of fruits and vegetables per week. In my case, my farm delivers from June 9th (15th this year because of all the rain) until November 27th. During this time, we are also free to go to the farm for pick-your-own events, like strawberry or snap pea picking.

The benefits are clear- you support small community farmers, you get fresh in-season food, often picked that day, and you get it delivered to your home (in our case, a pickup spot in our neighborhood). Of course, if the farm has a terrible season, such as (ahem) raining for weeks on end, you might lose out on a week, or the produce might be limited to what has survived the deluge. You also get no choice in what is delivered to you, so it requires a spirit of adventure.

In our case, for the last year and up until this morning sickness hit, I'd been eating as a vegetarian so we figured that I'd consume most of what was delivered. The produce is enough for 1-2 vegetarian adults or a family of 4 non-vegetarians. Now that the morning sickness is fading (I hope!), I've started consuming fruits and vegetables again. Yesterday and today, I was able to eat a spinach salad without feeling sick afterwards. Hurray!

Today was the first pick-up date for our CSA share. Josh picked up a fairly large box of spinach, romaine lettuce, boston bib lettuce (or outside of boston bib lettuce, as Josh is calling it), arugula, radishes, and then something that I've never seen before. This is where the spirit of adventure (and blog friends that might know what this is) comes in handy. So my bloggy buddies, what is this stuff?

My flier said braising mix, so does that mean that I cook it? And eat it with what? I've been pretty excited for our share to start this summer, because it seems so fun and exciting to come up with meals based on whatever we receive. We have projected list of what should arrive in the weeks to come, like cabbage and bok choy (which I don't know how to make), strawberries, etc., but nothing definite.

12 weeks! and my new love affair

TWELVE WEEKS! I thought there would be some fanfare when I made it this far, but the cake and balloons must have been delayed because nothing showed up at my house! I've already warned Josh that if I make it to my due date, I expect a cake. Everyone deserves a cake on their due date. With chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

I was rewarded, however, by the return of my energy. For a few brief shining hours on Sunday, I felt like a normal person again! I took advantage of this by checking out some yard sales, looking at the local YMCAs to see which one I will join, going strawberry picking, planting my tomato plants, planting some annuals, and weeding my whole backyard since I've been ignoring it since before I got pregnant. It was such a relief to not be paralyzed by nausea and exhaustion for the first time in 8 weeks! Sunday night brought a return to the nausea, but I am pleased to report that I have enjoyed several hours of nausea-free living over the last two days. I'm so pleased, I could cry.

Unfortunately, my zeal for gardening and weeding brought a flare up in my sciatica, and although I'm not nauseous, I am walking around the office with a limp. My thighs and butt are killing me, but I attribute that more to my excessive movements after so many weeks of lying around.

Along with the relief from nausea and vomiting, I have discovered a new love in my life.

Food. Delicious, fantastic, flavorful food.

If I see someone eating something at lunch, I have to have it within the following few hours. If I see a commercial for food, I dream about the food until I can convince Josh to take me the restaurant. If people on television are eating something, Josh will have to restrain me from cooking at 11pm. He seems to think that egg salad sandwiches are inappropriate to make after midnight. The other night, someone at work had a rotisserie chicken for dinner, and I begged Josh to pick one up for me to have when I arrived home from work at 10:30pm. I actually CRIED big, fat, hot tears when none of the nearby grocery stores had any more rotisserie chickens in stock. Then I accused him of being selfish because he wouldn't drive the half hour to a far away large grocery store. This weekend we stocked up with 3 rotisserie chickens, because this won't happen to me again!

When I do eat whatever I have been craving, it is definitively the best whatever it is I have ever had. This weekend I had the best two salads of my life. Today I had the best lemonade of my life. Yesterday I had the best cookies of my life. I'm starting to get concerned. I have to literally convince myself sometimes that I will most certainly be able to eat whatever it is tomorrow. It doesn't have to be right that second.

What a change, though! The thought of most foods used to turn my stomach, and while many things still make me feel a bit queasy, I am seeing such an improvement in my stomach's abilities. You told the truth! You said I'd start to feel better! I'm so happy!

I'm still waiting for the sex drive you all have promised, although I have been having rather *ahem* vivid dreams. Josh is waiting with bated breath, too. ; )

it is overtaking me!

I look at these pictures and wonder how my colleagues haven't figured it out yet. Do they just think I've been gaining lots of weight?

This is where we started. The little pokey thing is the buckle on my pants. The pants that haven't fit me for 3 weeks.

At 11 weeks exactly, this is where we are now:

Clearly, I'm going to get bigger. But isn't this a little ridiculous for something the size of a lime? Also, 3 pounds gained! So where is the rest coming from?

It has been 4 days since that picture, and I swear, it is even bigger. I'm going to have to break down and tell work tomorrow or Monday. Wish me luck!

11 weeks!

Did I mention that I'm tired? Yesterday, I fell asleep while waiting for Josh to finish dinner. Then I fell asleep after dinner on the couch. After sleeping 11 hours the night before, and last night I tumbled into bed and could barely drag myself out after 8 hours of sleep. This whole baby incubating thing is kicking my ass! Who knew it was so hard to grow a person?

Thankfully, Josh has been my saving grace and has taken over all of the household tasks with no complaint. In fact, he is far better now that I'm practically incapacitated than he was before! Maybe I should stick to laying on the couch and moaning. It seems to get results. This weekend he did 4 loads of laundry, cleaned the house, made lunch and dinner, cleaned up after the dogs, and ironed all of the shirts I haven't worn since my mom visited in December -because that is how long it has been since anyone touched the iron.

The nausea is about the same. I have good days and bad days, and it is difficult for me to tell which one it will be until I'm up and moving. My first indication is whether I start gagging in the shower or while brushing my teeth; those are clearly bad days. Saturday, I felt like a normal person that didn't need to ingest chicken at regularly spaced 2 hour intervals! It was fantastic! Sunday came and I apparently was hit with the nausea stick during the night because I could barely move without gagging. But I am NOT complaining, I am merely posting the details for your enjoyment. I also post them in my belly book of memories, because I would like this child to know that when the male associate came into my office this morning, I gagged on the smell of his cologne. If this isn't love, I don't know what is.

I am also currently enjoying the fact that my belly is straining against the buttons on my shirt. This morning, I was pleased with the fact that I still fit into one pair of pre-pregnancy pants and button-down shirt. By nightfall and 3 meals later, however, I look like I am wearing clothing one size too small. Thank goodness people are too busy working to notice my humpty dumpty shape!

I tried for an hour to upload a belly picture for you, but it wouldn't come through. I'll make another attempt tonight, so that you can enjoy the ridiculosity that is my 11 week belly. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to look like this for another month or so, but my stomach hasn't been listening.

So life is good! Gestating is still going well, and I am taking your assurances to heart that at 13 weeks I'll feel fantastic. Don't try to tell me otherwise. I only have 12 days to go.

just call me grumps

I've noticed that for the past few weeks I've been rather, ummm, how shall I put it, moody?

It isn't anything outright obvious, but sometimes people do or say things that infuriate me. And when I look back on them, I realize that perhaps these are the hormones people are talking about.

For example, the other day, I was preparing for a visit by Tango to one of our neighborhood nursing homes. We do this once a month or so, with a group that certifies dogs to visit hospitals, nursing homes and rehabilitation centers. A couple of times, the visits have been cancelled due to a viral outbreak at the facilities, and I figured that it might be a good idea for me to alert the scheduler of the program that I was pregnant. That way, if she heard news about a facility, she could let me know in advance whether I should attend or not. I emailed her, and thought I conveyed in the email that it was early (about 8 or 9 weeks) and that we weren't telling people, but I wanted her to know for the above reasons. Apparently I wasn't clear, because when I went to the visit, one of the other dog handlers came up to me to let me know that she knew, and that she would "keep her fingers crossed for me, because it was sooooooo early, and she neeevvveeerrr would have told people so soon, but she'd keep her hopes up for me." All with this very sympathetic and condescending look on her face. I was stunned, to say the least, and didn't say much, except to assure her that all was proceeding well and that we'd already had an ultrasound and were very hopeful. But I spent the rest of the visit and the rest of the day stewing. I was INFURIATED that she would put a damper on my happy news! I wasn't sharing with the world at that point, but if I was, who was she to tell me when I should and shouldn't tell people?

Last night, it happened again. I finally climbed into bed around 11pm, when my nausea is at its absolute worst, and told Josh for the 30th night in a row, I'm sure, that I was so tired of feeling sick. When will I stop wanting to throw up all the time? And in his characteristically lighthearted manner, he told me that maybe sex would cure the nausea. I could "sex it off" and he was sure I'd feel better. Well, for future reference, this wasn't a good response. I was so angry that I literally couldn't speak, and shut off my light with a bang, while he chuckled at his own wit. I found myself wanting to scream at him, and it took all my will power to convince myself to wait until the light of day before telling him that I was mad. I did mutter a few "I'm sick of the jokes," but I fell asleep without making it into a big deal.

Since I don't normally get hopping mad at people without extreme provocation, I'm assuming this is all resulting from the hormones. Well, the hormones and feeling sick all the time. It takes its toll. I walk around in a good mood for most of the day, but then someone does something, and it sets me off.

Tell me this won't last for the whole pregnancy... will it? It isn't as if I react to the anger, but it is disconcerting, to say the least. I'm not going crazy, right? This is normal? RIGHT?